I have so much jealousy and a lot of hate, too. I am so jealous of other people- bitter, bitter jealousy. A girl near my age from my hometown recently had a bad car wreck- turns out she was high as a kite on drugs and now she’s in jail. It pisses me off because she has a husband. She has a nice house. She has a healthy kid and she doesn’t have to fucking work. What in the goddam hell does she have in her fucking life that she needs to use drugs to escape from??? Fuck. If she tried to live my life, she’d fucking jump off a building. I have no one. My own kids are callous about my pain and loneliness. They never call me or text me or come see me- they both know I am heartbroken because their father won’t even consider giving me a chance, but they don’t fucking care. They just go right on. They both know I haven’t done anything to warrant such a strong reaction from him ,but they refuse to try to help me or intervene with him on my behalf. I would do anything for anybody. No one will do shit for me- same goes for school stuff- last year, I gave a new teacher everything I had- helped her every fucking day. Now I’m the new teacher in my building and no one has given me shit- no one has offered. I have reached out to 2 of my teacher friends and directly asked them if they could share their stuff with me- both said sure- neither actually did. People are such assholes. My mother, however, is really trying to be supportive of me. She really is. She is calling me all the time and she wants to help me. I am such a fucking mess, though, not sure there is any help for me. I hate myself so much. I say that all the time. I hate myself for every mistake I’ve ever made. I am so crippled with shame and hate. I don’t know how anyone could get past that. When I remember something I did that was stupid or wrong, it makes me wonder if I will ever be able to have a happy life. It has been a really long time since I have felt “happy”. I don’t really remember it. For so long my life has been nothing but this stabbing loneliness, trying to figure out how I will fill my day. I keep the TV on all the time because it seems less lonely that way. The silence is unbearable. How did I get here?
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 47 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."