There’s only 3 more weeks left in this semester, and I can tell those 3 weeks will go by painfully slow.

However I did catch up with a lot of homework, and I’m now officially caught up with all of my assignments and projects. Thank fucking god. 

I was planning on taking classes during winter break, but I think need some time to deal with all of the shit I’m struggling with. 

I spent all day today with Ayato and we actually got a lot of school work done, and he helped me study. We also took a break and went for a walk around the park, he told me he’s going to break up with his girlfriend. He said he doesn’t love her, he can’t stand her, and he’s finally found the balls to end it with her. I didn’t understand him at first, I thought he was an asshole who just wanted to cheat on her. I guess that still applies but they have a lot of sordid heavy relationship problems. He only stayed with her because he felt guilty breaking up with her after she had a late term miscarriage. In truth their relationship is dead, and he knows she doesn’t love him. And in turn she only uses him for his money. Heavy stuff. He confessed that he’s developed feelings for me, and that he liked me since the minute we met. I was flattered but I felt kind of bad. I didn’t want to tell him “WE WERE SUPPOSE TO FUCK AND NOT LOVE” but I’m not that much of a cold hearted bitch. He asked me if I would ever consider wiping the slate clean between us, he breaks it off with his girlfriend, and we start a brand new relationship just the two of us. I could tell that took a lot of courage to ask because in a way its a lot more vulnerable to open up to me than it is to her, just because of the context we find ourselves in. I said I would, even though I have reservations and I feel like I’m going to end up breaking his heart. 🙁 I don’t want to break his heart, we’re not bad people – just very very very very incredibly stupid people. We kissed, held hands, and it felt so nice to bond with someone that wants you. 

Ayato is the only person whom I’ve confessed to that I am super depressed, and thats only because he confessed first. But thats also were we differ. He’s going through a lot in his life that makes him blue; his grandfather who raised him since he was a boy is dying from cancer (back in Sweden …. or Finland…not sure), he feels guilty that he’s not there for him, he will basically be all alone when his grandfather dies since he has no more family alive, he only has 1 older brother whom he hasn’t spoken to in 5 years (some bitter feud that he doesn’t want to talk about), he’s miserable in his relationship, she didn’t want the baby he did and the miscarriage torn them completely apart – actual reasons to be depressed.

Me on the other hand? My parents are happily married, I come from a good family, happy loving home, all of the comforts in the world. But I was always an outsider, not many friends, only 1 best-friend since freshman year who recently moved to New York city and is marrying an asshole who is abusive and won’t let her communicate with friends or family and she refuses to see the reality of the situation – now after 8 years of friendship we don’t speak. I’m a straight A student and yet I’m insecure AF and painfully self conscious. Sometimes I don’t feel good enough for Berklely, I doubt myself and if I’m smart enough for my own ambitions. I fear that I will never live up to my parents expectations, and I will never make them proud. I have a problem with constantly comparing myself to their achievements and especially at what they had already accomplished by the time they were my age. My insecurities eat me alive and paralyze me making me my own worst enemy. Then this year I fell in love with someone so amazing and pure hearted, what a fucked up painful experience, and now I hope it never happens again. I don’t have a real reason to be so defective, I’m just weak and stupid.  

And now I’m afraid of what the fuck is unraveling between Ayato and I. I don’t want to hurt him. And to be honest, I felt that if anyone would have developed feelings between us that it would have been me; I didn’t even think he found me attractive enough (self conscious). I don’t know what to do, I’m so fucking lost.

I just want to go home. 

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