Forgiveness.

Marianne Williamson once said “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”

Today, I am practicing forgiveness. So here it goes…

To the two doctors who ordered Zofran (knowing I was allergic to it) and almost killed me – I forgive you. I don’t understand how or why it happened, how you could’ve possibly “forgotten” since I reminded EVERYONE before surgery that morning. And the truth is, I have been angry with you all since that day. I have consulted lawyers about suing you and I have thought long and hard about confronting you myself. I have spent countless hours asking myself what could’ve been done differently and how it could have been avoided… And at the end of the day, I did my part. My Mom did her part. We made it known to each and every person we talked to. Every doctor, every nurse, every staff member we encountered, both before and on the day of surgery. There’s so question as to who is at fault here. But questioning why someone could make such a careless mistake that almost took my life at 28 doesn’t serve me well. It breaks my heart, makes me sad and makes me angry… I fear I’ll never be able to face another surgery because of you. But being sad and angry won’t give me answers, it won’t take back what happened and it won’t erase the memories of my parents crying, me waiting for my Mom to fall asleep so I could ask the nurse if I was going to die or constantly being poked and prodded in the ICU for days… What’s done is done. So today I let it go. I let go of the sadness and the anger and I forgive you for the mistakes you made. I forgive you.

And to Andrew… It’s been a year and you’ve long moved on from me and “us”. I like to think I have, though I know that’s likely not true at all. I have attempted to connect and date but it always feels like an interview and I’m constantly reminded just how easy our story was from the very first “hello!”. You were my forever. There was never a second in which I doubted that. I was more sure about us than I had ever been of anything in my life. I don’t know how to let that go, to accept that my heart was wrong. But just as the story above, I don’t have the answers and I never will. What I can do is let you go the best I can and forgive you for the hurt you caused. I forgive you for the things you said but didn’t mean. I forgive you for leaving. I forgive you for breaking my heart. I forgive you. 

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