Huge Mistake…..

I went to the new house yesterday….F&^k! It’s filthy! Didn’t even bother to clean it. The whole situation is horrible. I think it was a bad mistake and it’s going to cost me a lot of money. I do anything for my Nephew but at this point I’m so stressed and worried that I can’t calm down. I can’t put the money back as fast as it’s gone out or is going out. I’m panicked as I won’t have money to retire with or to see a future that would offer me some options. But at this point I’m committed. I try to tell myself that at least I can stay living where I am as it’s cheap relative to what options I would have. They want to buy a house together, where I won’t say as I don’t speak about where I am or what I do for a “living.” But it won’t happen if they have no money and I’m the one that has to cover things outside the mortgage.  They’ll never qualify anyway. I just don’t like it here and I thought that this idea would get me somewhere comfortable. Yeah like that’s ever worked in my life. My back is a mess, I’m in pain all the time, I don’t feel like doing anything and I’m not able to have my Fantasy because I just can’t calm down about this situation. I’m sure my blood pressure is sky high and I still have two more cycles left maybe three before I stop working. I don’t think I’ll make it. Yet I have to look at working longer because I won’t have the savings I would want. I think that not knowing how much money will be going out in the next few months leaves me in a bad spot. If I knew…..then at least I can just move on. I’ll see if I can check with him today as he has a “couple of questions” for me. With that said….I spent a good amount of time with the kids. They seemed to want to hang out with me. The young Miss asked If I’d sit with her and we did Pokeman together at the house which is not what she does. The young Gentleman was engaging. When we where at the new house I was able to field his tears….he gets upset easily….and that made me feel better as I have school pick up and I think it will be easier….we’ll see. But it was nice to see how I did with them and I even buckled him in the car seat with Mommy and Daddy there, they just let me do it and didn’t step in. Nice. The kids seemed to like me, I didn’t feel so awkward.  I’m just scared and worried about my pain and blood pressure and money and that i can’t relax. And I’m sure it doesn’t help that I eat so much sugar and I really want coffee. I still have a couple more days off and will maybe get some stuff done. I plan on walking in a few minutes. I hope no one is in the little gym area here at my Apt. Anyway…Thanks 

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