I really wish people could really understand. I feel like such an outsider in some of life’s events because I’m battling my body constantly. I wish they knew how hard it was to do the things I do…and that I do it because I don’t want to be forgotten, I love them and I don’t want to be the sidebar of their life…a footnote…I want to be the main story for the man I love and a bullet point in lives of those I love.
Every morning I wake up thinking today will be a decent day and I have a list of the things I want to do…after getting up and doing the one thing that allows me to feel as though I’m contributing I’m done…nothing left. So I sit alone…alone is hard when you were the one who kept life running and now you feel as though everyone you did the running for can’t help but run from you. The few that do take the time to check in with me…hit me at a time when my senses are flaring and every thing anyone says or does sends my body into a revolt of some sort. And then not only am I alone, but I’m alone and wracked with guilt…it’s so unfair to them…so unfair, and I have no control over it.
I wonder in those times alone if anyone would miss me if I just disappeared after all they rarely truly see me and even more rare is listening to me.
Maybe they would but would it be because they truly know me or is it because they miss the things I used to do for them and by the time I’m gone they won’t need me for that anyway because they will adapt and I will not be needed anyway.
I’m so tired…so tired.