Harry has been doing very well! I haven’t written here for a while because first my aunt from Mexico stayed with us here for nearly three weeks and it was really great, I love it so much when she comes to stay with us…and she made the decision and arrangements to cone here quite quickly! Harry became extremely fond of her very quickly too. I miss my aunt now so much, I knew I’d struggle when she left. She left over a week ago now…nearly two weeks…actually I have been struggling a lot since she left and when I struggle I lose track of the days…I shut myself off from everything, even though I desperately don’t want to be alone, and that’s why everything hurts even more.
Urgh I don’t know what’s wrong. My life with Harry is so much better despite the stuff with court, I became a better person than I was…I must have done…but now I’m not sure about myself. Every time Autumn then winter comes around I seem to drop in mood. I used to love Christmas growing up but during my teenage years I had so many Christmases where I just cried the hardest I’ve ever cried on Christmas Day because I felt I didn’t deserve all I was given…well now I definitely don’t deserve anything but back then I really felt bad and cried so much. Then I had some years where I was an inpatient at Christmas…other Christmases where I felt suicidal.
I decided to stop breastfeeding Harry a few days ago because it was getting really uncomfortable for me. He usually tickles me because he doesn’t feed properly anymore just sucks to get to sleep and if he has a cold he bites me and not long ago where he bit me formed an infected little lump and it was really painful! Anyway what I do now is just get ready for bed myself and go to bed with him cuddling me. The first night he was upset but I think he’s getting used to it now. Harry really is ok, I still look after him despite how I feel, he’s not coming to any kind of neglect or harm. I already have bought his Christmas presents, wrapping paper and a chocolate advent calendar…all prepared! Harry has everything he needs and I do what I need to do for him. He’s going to his vary activity groups and nursery where he really is doing so well as I’m told all the time by the staff!
I feel guilty for feeling bad when I have Harry but I would never hurt him or leave him. I’m just struggling a lot at the moment and I can’t turn to my parents because they have been so unwell and still struggle so much with their health. Turning to them now is no longer an option for me. I struggle terribly with my mum still but I’m learning to try not to focus on it too much. Her battle with cancer has changed her and she’ll never be the same again and it’s understandable with all she went through. It happened to my dad when I was 12, he got ill and eventually when I was 16 his doctors said he wouldn’t experience better mental health and I rarely ask him for any help now, I’m used to him being ill, I have to get used to it with my mum now.
Since age 12 I have always written poems about my dark feelings. With Harry I haven’t been able to write for a long time! I tried it yesterday evening but kept getting interrupted by Harry so I couldn’t take the time to fashion anything I wrote into a proper poem. I am going to put it here. They are just my…sort of poetic thoughts about how I’m feeling right now. It helps to get things out.
As Autumn arrives the darkness strengthens
Its pace quickens, and eventually
It rules the heavens longer than the light does,
No one knows this also happens deep in my mind
The darkness gains an incredible strength
Already it’s consuming every thought & dream in my head
Sharing its new strength with every terrible memory,
Seizing control with such a crushing grip
That they even grip the very best memories,
Causing them to be as painful as my worst.
The darkness is too fast
I begin to run and it can easily match my pace,
It’s running side by side with me and surrounding me
It’s cold fingers grasping all over my body
Constantly trying to pull me back.
How can the call of the darkness be so tempting?
No more worshippers of the sunlight
Just ancient ghosts presenting the moon with
Treasure chests of silver and pearls,
And cold, enraged phantoms
Screaming with endless agony and insanity,
Their shrieking tales are a tragedy
They are demons that are unwilling servants of the darkness,
With this new strength in the darkness
Their torture and torment is far greater,
Loneliness whispers glittering iciness into the winds
And they feel like knives grazing my skin,
It’s the old, familiar call of the razorblade
Also singing in these bitter winds,
The winter snows to come are crying for my blood.