Moving on without a sponsor

Good morning.  We just returned from a lovely vacation in the mountains.  My sister owns a great cabin which is two storied, has two bedrooms and two full bathrooms, full kitchen and all the conveniences of home.  Only the cabin has that marvelous view.  This is the third Thanksgiving we’ve spent there and it really is a little slice of heaven.  

As the title above says, I’m going the recovery alone, or without a sponsor.  He was very difficult to reach, not only by me but another guy in the program.  So I’ll continue to call these other guys and work my 9-12 steps with them and with my therapist.  It’s not ideal, but doable.  There are fewer people in SAA by far that in AA.  We are a handful of men, doing the best we can to control our addiction.  Naturally that goes against all in which we believe because we are powerless over our impulses, but with our higher power, we can control it.  I pray to God every day.  Part of my prayers is absolutely about my addiction and asking him to control it and to lift away my many shortcomings.  My prayers also include asking God to control my compulsive behavior such as how I react and respond to my wife and others.  

I have been fully abstinent from my addictive sexual behavior for 5 months, and can honestly say that I have no interest, no desire, no triggers to look at or respond to or post personal ads for anonymous sex.  I mean I haven’t gone near that or those sites and never will.  To remain safe and abstinent however, I will continue to grown and change in this program. 

A huge part of my addiction and acting out had everything to do with my relationship with my lovely wife.  That means yes our sex life, but also our inability to talk about sex and other awkward topics.  We do much better now and that too keeps me sexually sober.  We’re not having sex nearly as often as I’d like, but we are on the right path.  And my personal path means enlightenment.  That has been an exhilerating feeling so far and I crave more.  

We did well on the vacation and the driving part.  That has been a challenge in the past but we are so much better now.  Do I still struggle?  Sure.  I have had to force myself to permit others mostly including my lovely wife, say things to me which I must disregard and just take it.  If the ultimate goal in to stay married to her, I have had to learn to grin and bear it.  My recovery depends on my relationship with her.  My relationship with her depends on me not reacting.  It’s all tied together in a big granny knot.  Perfect?  Far from it.  But livable?  Yes; and needful.  

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