It’s that time of the season, where it is about families coming together and consumption of food happens. Oh how I have grown to hate this time of the yr. My recurring nightmare is being alone. And the holidays, bring reminders of the families I have lost. How I grew attached, how I fell in love with them, and to open up and feel as I belonged with them. And when I am finally settled in, laughing, sharing these memories with them one yr, the next yr they disappear. I have learned to keep my distance, learn to not want to be apart of their existence. I watch from the outside, smiling at how they share warm smiles, and creating memories. I am the outsider, I am the spectator, I observe and do not engage. As for my own family, what family? My mother became apart of someone else’s, she try’s calling out to me, smiling and waving. Showing me that this new family has their arms open to me, but I know the truth, one day they will leave too.
How can I wish, and dream for my own family, when I don’t know the meaning of family anymore? How do I teach my own children, and cover them with love, warmth, and structure of family, when I have never learned this myself. I envy you, and your family. Wethere they be disfuctional, loud, embarrassing, yet they are yours, and you are theirs. You belong in their space front and center.