There is a revolution happening. So many men in power are falling from grace. And rightly so. Their manipulative actions that were previously covered up, excused, denied are being brought to light. While so many women are feeling a sense of pride over this, I am feeling guilt. And I need to let it go. Because my personal situation is not about harassment. I never said no. I was a willing participant. But I know he targeted others who did not appreciate his advances. Yet I still fell for him and excused his behavior. And therein lies my guilt. I thought I was different from his other targets. I was just the right concoction of lonely, sad and desperate for attention. How many other lonely, sad and desperate for attention women like me did he target? At least one more if the reports of him being terminated for harassment are true. And yes I believe they are.
I have had some contact with him over the past week. Minimal, but still after going months without it he is present again and it is provoking negative feelings. But he is so hard to quit. He is and has been my drug for so many years now. Why do I need the drug? Because I am not taking care of my whole self. That is why.