I’m back and a lot of shit has happened.
Ok, lets start by jumping to the point and skipping the part I try to make myself sound completely innocent because I’m really not , I smoked weed . Yes, I did . Notice the past tense?
I don’t anymore . Why? I got caught ….. in school
My friend . Fake name = Rocky. that’s a cool name right?
Ok so , Rocky saw me smoking a cigarette at the bus stop and decided to ask me if I wanted to buy a spliff ( for you nerds and amateurs a spliff is weed ) ( for those of you calling me an amateur because I have no fucking idea how to spell amateur : fair play) ( Just kidding I love u all) of course I said yes. I’m a 15 year old girl trying to recover. Ill explain later. So the teacher at my school searched me and found the spiff because a snakey friend grassed on me. She was a bitch anyways! The school have decided to expel me and my last day will be sometime this week. There’s one addiction sorted . Drug
Addiction number 2: not many consider this as an addiction but in my opinion , its the worse one . It causes harm to you and others, and comes with many consequences. Its self harm and suicidal thoughts. Since year 7 I have been bullied on and off throughout my life . Online and offline . So for the past 4 years I’ve been suicidal . The first time I self harmed was actually at school . There was a group of boys lets call them ” the twats” so The Twats decided to call me names and one boy piped up out of nowhere and said to me ” just kill yourself and it will all stop” stupid little me though ” ok, I’m gunna attempt to kill myself so it will all stop” At this age I was aware that if you cut your wrist deep enough that it can kill you . I was with my friend lets call her :Katie . So Katie had a glass perfume bottle but when I looked at it I saw a razor . I accidentally nudged her ( and by accidentally I mean I practically pushed her into the wall forcing her to drop the perfume so the bottle would smash) so I pook up a piece of glass off the floor and put it in my pocket. Katie saw, she asked me what was going on so I explained and had a breakdown . She tried to take the glass from me and I took it out my pocket and cut my wrist right there on the playground in front of everybody . Lets say .. they were horrified . I went to a teacher and he took me to first aid and asked me why would I do this to myself so I explained that these boys were picking on me and I wanted to end it . To my parents surprise , The teacher did nothing about it . So the bullying continues until one of the boys got excluded and then I was already addicted to self harm and really suicidal so it was hard to stop .
A few months after cutting for about the 9th time I met my best friend. She smokes, so then I told her about my self harm and turns out , she could relate . This girl called Marnie overheard and said that smoking would be a good way to replace self harm so she gave me a few fags and I smoked them . Shortly, I became addicted . I didn’t self harm for about 3 months and I was feeling really positive . And then exams happened , I got my results. They were terrible ! I mean terrible ! A girl started bullying me because of my grades and everyday at school was a battle for me . I kept telling myself ” its ok you can have a fag and forget what she said ” and ” just breathe and smoke then you’ll be ok” and then of course the girl told me to kill myself. So there I was again . Self harming . Again!!!!!
Now I was addicted to self harm, again! And smoking . but I got over self harming when I realised that I can fix my grades if I try harder but what really helped is when a teacher said she was potential in me , she said I could do something amazing someday . I felt so happy and slightly proud . I stopped self harming altogether but continued to smoke because smoking was my way of finding relief .
Then what I told you about the spliff happened and my mom found out about the spliff but not about the self harm or smoking .
Everyone asking me or even telling me that I’ve changed to a “smoker” because of who I hang around with . Shut the fuck up with that bullshit. I changed because I found friends that been through similar things to me . You wanna know what changed me? Being suicidal and keeping it secret for the past 4 year ! speaking of the number 4 , that’s how any people knew about my self harm . My friends have helped me, so those hating on me because I hang around with people that smoke . I SMOKE . don’t like it? don’t agree with it ? fine! that’s completely fine . I don’t blame you its unhealthy and it kills . but, if you want to announce how u feel about smokers then don’t bother saying it to me because once you’ve been through what I’ve been through you learn that its easier not to give a fuck . You don’t know our stories or what we been through . So you don’t have the right to judge us.
So, don’t listen to people . If someone says to hurt yourself . Please don’t do it and if your considering it . Let me know in the comments. I will make an email address just for you or someone you know that you feel needs help can then email me and talk to me. let me help you and be a shoulder for you to cry on . I wanna make a difference . Help me to make a difference.