Alone

Weight this morning: 52.1kg

I seem to be constantly haunted by all my horrible memories at the moment; all the people who I have been close to throughout my life…so damn close, but none of them remain. No one ever remains. I mean everything to someone then nothing at all…something bad happens and the relationship is gone…it’s all my fault, and I know it’s common for this pattern of relationships to form and end all the time when someone has Borderline Personality Disorder but…it doesn’t make it any easier.

I love my son but I still feel so alone. I have no friends, just the bad memories of those who got unbelievably close to me but are no longer in my life. Nobody has stayed. Except for Will, but that’s because we have a son between us, otherwise he’d be gone by now too. Anyway he doesn’t count, he doesn’t give a shit and would love it if I died. Not that I care that much, I seriously misjudged him. My parents love me, I know that but they cannot be there for me anymore in the way I need…they have both been seriously ill and I don’t blame them, I’m just saying it is no longer possible for them to be there for me. And at 29 they shouldn’t have to be anyway. They are both so physically tired from their illnesses.

Actually I have been speaking to my sister again. After a long while she just messaged me again like nothing had ever happened. But we fell out because I was in great need, desperately messaged her and she never replied even though she carried on talking to my mum and messaging her. Her and my mum have always been closer. I was always the one who was closest to my father but at age 12 he was just…the man I knew as my father just wasn’t there anymore and has never returned. I still love my dad of course, he has done more for me over the years than he is able to cope with himself, my mum too of course. Anyway I decided to reply to my sister…she loves Harry, I know she does, and Harry always has so much fun with her. It’s good I have my sister back, but she lives in Reading and has her own life. I shouldn’t have expected her to be there for me.

I miss my aunt from Mexico so much. I honestly would pay for her flight back here and have her stay three months! She’s also my godmother and I hate that she’s so far away, she makes everything better when she’s here. My dad’s family fell out a long, long time ago, though my aunt on that side of the family actually writes to me all the time ever since she found out I was sectioned in Heatherwood Court back in April 2008.  One of my new years resolutions is going to be to write to her back. I never wrote back to her because I was mad at her…I used to write to her when I was really little and I remember when I was like seven years old I wrote to her and was looking forward to a reply but she never wrote back and we didn’t here from her till my dad contacted her out of the blue to say I was in Heatherwood Court hospital back in 2008. I remember being a hurt little seven year old when Aunty Jane never replied but being 29 now I understand what happened. A falling out between her and Granny, she stopped speaking to anyone who still spoke to Granny and that’s why she never spoke to me, my sister, mum or dad for like twelve years. We never see Granny either, she never really accepted or understood my dad’s mental illness and still doesn’t. She never will, she never sees him. Then of course when I became friends with Jodi and e-mailed her the whole time I was in Heatherwood court, I was really hopeful of our friendship and I tried so hard to be a good friend to her after all my other friends went to university and moved on but her pain was too much…as I usually do I failed her in the end and didn’t reply to her e-mail for like two weeks…she didn’t say she was going to kill herself in that e-mail but if I’d replied sooner maybe she wouldn’t have done it.

I know I’m being pathetic and shouldn’t dwell on all of this but it’s just hard. I have awful, awful memories from the ages of six or seven onwards and though Harry has been the brightest light in my life, my mum being diagnosed with cancer when he was only three months old and Will taking me to court over the sake of having overnights back in January this year when Harry was only 18 months old, it’s added a lot to the already terribly long bad memory list. They are sticking to me like hot glue from a glue gun and I can’t make them go away, no matter how hard I try. And I have no one to talk to about it all, just this diary to type in.

Urgh I shouldn’t complain, I really am aware that I’m very lucky that my parents continue to house me and my son because on the benefits we receive…housing and living costs are completely out of our budget range. I pay for everything my son and myself need but I obviously don’t pay rent or mortgage, water, gas, electricity or internet…the costs of living in a house.

The worst thing is I am a bad person…I have decided I really am, and I hate that. If I was a good person then there would be friends left in my life. I have done such awful things. I’m terrified of my own son hating me in the future so I know falling apart right now would certainly not help that but as well as being alone I have no coping mechanisms except music and writing and I don’t always get a great deal of time to do those things with Harry about. I’m just feeling so so sad and I want to hurt myself and overdose and all the stuff I used to do to block out all the insane, horrible memories but I hope I don’t do any of those things, I can’t. Harry is the only light in my life and I should not let it go out.

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