Bang bang. That’s the sound of my life changing in two blinks of an eye. Bang Bang. The sound of me losing my family. But was my family lost before that? I don’t remember much of when I was a child, not the happy parts at least, and the little that I do remember taunt me everyday. I remember when my dad came home one night crying because my mom had cheated on him, I woke up at the sound of his tears as he picks me up and explains to me with great detail why he was crying. I remember my dad being fond of guns and one night locked himself in the room crying with a rifle in his hand, not knowing what was going through his mind. I remember someone taking us out of the house because my mom and dad were getting into a heated argument and they didn’t want us to hear or see. I remember my dad touching me at night while I was asleep. I remember my dad shooting a gun in the air to protect our family, but only driving us away. I guess you can say the root of the problem was my dad. And this isn’t a pity story, I don’t need anyone feeling sorry for me. Regardless of what my dad did I still loved him, but see the thing is that I was a little girl with no idea of what all the stuff I went through really meant so I never really had the chance to feel the anger that one should feel when bad things happen to them, until now. See now I am 22 years old and filled with anger holding a grudge. Not only against my father because god knows that he wasn’t the only one who has put me through so much pain. No, see everyone that is in my life has hurt me in some way or another. My cousins telling me I would never amount to anything and that I would end up another statistical pregnant teen. Some of those cousins even went as far as to call me a bitch, stupid, and fat. Boy was ‘fat’ a big part of my life, I heard it from everyone not just my cousins but my aunts and uncles, my friends my mentors, and even my own BOYFRIEND, yes my boyfriend but that’s another story for another part of this story. One of my aunts told me I looked like a little boy and needed to try harder to look “pretty”, oh yea I almost forgot I was always referred to ugly as well. I guess I was just an unappealing person. But anyways, I haven’t spoken to my dad its been a few years now the only time I talk to him is to tell him happy birthday/fathers day.
There was this other incident that happened not so long ago where I decided to tell a friend, a best friend what was being posted on social media regarding her little sister. Well that backfired I should have just kept my mouth shut but I didn’t because my thought was, that if it were the other way around and that were my little sister I would want to know especially if it was something bad. Anyways, her little sister took it the wrong way and thought it was my little sister who posted this “ass picture”, I mean her accusations didn’t make any sense but because my sister and she didn’t exactly see eye to eye she still went with it as did her parents and surprise surprise my best friend. Here is where things get worse, this little girl wanted to fight my little sister, but that’s not all, she wanted to jump my sister and had a bunch of people, herself included, waiting after school to do so. My whole family blamed me for what happened so much that my little brother and sister hated me and didn’t want to speak to me. At this point my family isn’t talking to me my best friend isn’t talking to me the only person who took my side in all this was my boyfriend. So what do I do? I move out of my mom’s house, very very mad at her by the way, without letting her know and moving into my boyfriend’s house. Didn’t speak to my family for weeks maybe even months. But things just kept getting worse. Guess my whole life is kind of one big bad luck. All in all we all slowly started to forgive each other and started to speak to each other best friend included. Except years later my best friend isn’t really my best friend any more. Yup she cut all tie with me didn’t tell me why not one explanation so I guess she want really my best friend. I mean come one she did throw a lot of red flags but I guess I am accustomed to forgiving people I love.
Which brings me to my next story, I have been with his guy for almost a decade but boy has it been one hell of a ride. we are at the point where I don’t know if we are with each other because we don’t know how to be with other people or because we truly care about each other and want to be with each other but just both so ignorant and hard headed. So I told you I moved in with him which wasn’t the smartest idea I soon after lost my job and was it was very hard to find another job I was still going to school (college) and living off of $60 a week from unemployment. Living the California dream aren’t I. well he was very supportive of me he at the time had a really good paying job so he supported me and himself, and for that I am entirely grateful. But like everyone else in relationships problems started to arise and I didn’t feel appreciated. I felt like I was being taken for granted so I moved out. Dang I see it movies and TV all the time but never did I think I would be a 20-year-old girl fending for her own in an apartment full of girls. I forgot to mention I am not necessarily the easy type I am very very complicated and very very stubborn. Anyways, in this apartment I made some really great friends at this point I had a job and made enough to live paycheck off paycheck to make bills and rent but hey anything to live in a room with a bunch of friends. Except that’s not really how I felt see these girls had it pretty much made, at least in my eyes, if they couldn’t afford something or were short for their monthly payments they called mommy and daddy to send them a few and easy does it. I didn’t have that luxury I had to work everyday and go to school everyday. I was a full time employee, full time student and a no time person. Any who after the lease was over after making making many many mistakes me and the boo decided to give it another shot. Help each other out financially, emotionally, sexually wink wink, but that’s not how it really played out did it. We still argue, we still fight, we are both still very hard headed. But no matter how many times I try to get myself to leave I end up coming right back I don’t know what it is. Am I damaged? Do I love to much and forgive to easy? I don’t know.
Any ways that’s my little story in a nut shell if I gave you all the details of the entirety of my life then I would go well over two pages and no one has time for all that. One thing I could say though is that despite all I went through I still see the light at the end of the tunnel and envision myself as something more than the woman I see in the mirror everyday. And like I said before this isn’t a pity story I do not need anyone feeling sorry for me this is more of finding CLOSURE with in myself. Yup that’s what it it CLOSURE.