Weight this morning: 52.0kg (have lost over a whole kilo in just four days!)

I’ve had a hard time with Harry today…he’s suddenly reached a point where he hates stopping playing for all the routine things; getting dressed in the mornings, nappy changes, the creams to treat his eczema (this one is the WORST, he gets so upset and I think his eczema is getting worse, I’ll have to make a doctors appointment for him tomorrow) sitting down to eat his dinner, brushing his teeth, going into the bath…argh! And this weekend I decided to try and potty train him since he was showing the right signs to be ready for it…well the right signs according to the information the Health Visitor gives mums about these things…and I haven’t progressed not one bit. It fell apart from the start, Harry just wouldn’t let me put a pull up nappy/training pants nappy on him. He was so upset that he wouldn’t even let me put on his regular nappies…I had to ask my mum to put the usual nappy on me and thankfully she agreed to do this! Hmmm, so maybe Harry isn’t so ready for potty training as I thought. He loves the potty though and seems to see it as  toy so that’s why there have been so many tears and tantrums, I stop him from playing with it and ask him if he actually needs to use the potty and he always replies “No thank you.” At least he is already developing basic manners.

I have been feeling really bad today, really really down and it scares me. I can’t go down this road again but I feel so down. I have a lot of worries and fears about the future and I am just so alone. I always struggle at Christmas. Urgh why is everything hard again, why am I feeling so bad all the time and this time I cannot tell anyone because I have Harry. After practically being accused of harming Harry because of my past mental health in court when that’s not even what Will was taking me to court about I am not telling a single person. Not that I have anyone to tell anyway but gosh no. I’ll get through this myself thanks. I just have to carry on. The shadows are just passing things, the light will come through again…I just don’t know when of course. It could be tomorrow it could be in three months! I must wait it out. Harry is worth it.

Harry is settling ok without the breastfeeds though I still think he expects it but he’s ok about it. Since I no longer breastfeed Harry I have finally been able to take those tablets for my suspected overactive bladder. I swear it’s making the problem worse 🙁 I don’t have urgency problems or anything like that it’s just I did a chart for the specialist I see and I go on average 26 times a day and it’s a living nightmare. I can’t even take my own son to the park on my own as the toilets are some distance away from the park. Last time I took Harry to the park with my mum and my aunt I had to use the toilets there three times. If I’m on my own which is likely as I’m a single mum and my parents aren’t very well and the father doesn’t want to have anything to do with me I can’t just leave Harry in the park on his own whilst I walk a few minutes to the nearest toilet THREE times. No, it’s not safe. I’m only supposed to take these tablets (Betmiga) for four weeks and I’m hoping maybe they are the kind of tablets that take a while to work but I can’t remember what the consultant told me…I saw her 1st December last year and she said she’d review me in four months and it’s been a year now. In fairness he GP I saw about re-validating the prescription the urologist wrote for me he noticed it had almost been a year so he said he’d write to the consultant to chase up another appointment. Meh I’m strangely glad my consultant didn’t keep her promise to review me in four months because she’d know I lied to her saying I’d stopped breastfeeding Harry back in December last year when really I hadn’t, I just didn’t want to be taken off the list to be seen about this problem. I didn’t know when Harry would stop breastfeeding or when I’d stop breastfeeding Harry and the consultant kept asking me when and pressuring me for an answer saying they couldn’t do anything for me until I stopped breastfeeding so I just said I had already stopped.

Well we’ll see if I get an appointment. Thanks to the GP for noticing the consultant hadn’t done what she said she would though.

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