I’m at school and I should be working on my plans, but here I am. I took a xanax and drank a large glass of wine before bed last night. I hadn’t really drank anything since I moved back here. I did drink 3 beers at deedra’s once. I will pour out the rest of the wine when I get home. I just felt so terrible. I am owning my actions- not blaming anyone else. It’s my own fault I am alone. I asked for the divorce. I was a stupid idiot and didn’t treat my husband well. I could make excuses all day for my behavior, but the reasons don’t really matter. I hate myself for ruining my life. I could hate my parents for making me such a fucked up adult, but what good does that do? Yes, I feel quite certain I would be a much different person had I had a different home growing up, but I didn’t and now that’s over. I feel angry at my sister because she wasn’t the oldest like I was. She didn’t take the brunt of it like I did. I had to fucking babysit her and my dad when I was 4. I changed her cloth diapers when I was 4. She never had to be “in charge”. Well, she did miss school to stay home and take care of my dad when she was probably no more than 8 or 9. I wouldn’t do it. I refused to miss school. I think my sister didn’t really like school and she felt sorry for my dad. I read somewhere that a kid should never have to feel sorry for their parent. My parents really screwed me up. I hate my own guts. I can’t forget any of the bad decisions I’ve made. I really think I’m right that I’ve messed up too bad to ever be okay. My life is too jacked up to ever be happy again. I had been thinking about being a foster parent because that would give me a reason to keep going. I have also been kinda planning on going back to school next semester. I don’t fucking know what to do. I also thinking about slicing my wrists and my neck from ear to ear every day. I don’t know why that imagery runs through my mind so much. I don’t know that would be my method of choice, anyway, but I do like to daydream about it for some reason.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 47 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."