Monday December 4th

I’m at school and I should be working on my plans, but here I am.  I took a xanax and drank a large glass of wine before bed last night. I hadn’t really drank anything since I moved back here. I did drink 3 beers at deedra’s once. I will pour out the rest of the wine when I get home. I just felt so terrible. I am owning my actions- not blaming anyone else. It’s my own fault I am alone. I asked for the divorce. I was a stupid idiot and didn’t treat my husband well. I could make excuses all day for my behavior, but the reasons don’t really matter. I hate myself for ruining my life. I could hate my parents for making me such a fucked up adult, but what good does that do? Yes, I feel quite certain I would be a much different person had I had a different home growing up, but I didn’t and now that’s over. I feel angry at my sister because she wasn’t the oldest like I was. She didn’t take the brunt of it like I did. I had to fucking babysit her and my dad when I was 4. I changed her cloth diapers when I was 4. She never had to be “in charge”. Well, she did miss school to stay home and take care of my dad when she was probably no more than 8 or 9. I wouldn’t do it. I refused to miss school. I think my sister didn’t really like school and she felt sorry for my dad. I read somewhere that a kid should never have to feel sorry for their parent. My parents really screwed me up. I hate my own guts. I can’t forget any of the bad decisions I’ve made. I really think I’m right that I’ve messed up too bad to ever be okay. My life is too jacked up to ever be happy again. I had been thinking about being a foster parent because that would give me a reason to keep going. I have also been kinda planning on going back to school next semester. I don’t fucking know what to do. I also thinking about slicing my wrists and my neck from ear to ear every day. I don’t know why that imagery runs through my mind so much. I don’t know that would be my method of choice, anyway, but I do like to daydream about it for some reason. 

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