It has been a really tough weekend. My sister had a big christmas party at her house last night. Photos are all fucking over facebook. She invited- no, I can’t talk about this.
I have been thinking about killing myself a lot today. My mother talked to my dad’s brother’s former wife this past week. Shel told my mother that her daughter, my first cousin had had a suicide plan last year. She was going to another country where they would kill you. Interesting. Interesting that a blood relative of mine is also suicidal and that there is a place you can go where they will kill you. I think about slashing my wrists and my throat all the time. Pretty much every day. I don’t know why that runs through my mind so much. There are a few things that keep me from doing it. My animals. Not my kids, though. They don’t give a fuck about me. I’m not being dramatic. They really don’t. There is something wrong with me that makes me unlovable and totally forgettable. I am right on the edge of being done with this world. If one more thing goes wrong in my life, that will likely push me over. Once my animals die, there won’t be any reason for me to be here. I will try to keep living, but I don’t know how long I will make it.