Unintentional, but I missed two Sunday meetings in a row. I hate that. I really get so much out of them, and this is my group of like minded addicts. Last Sunday we were still in the mountains on Thanksgiving vacation, so I called in. Tonight we celebrated our 33rd anniversary and had to pick up our daughter and son in law in Pittsburgh from the Amtrak station, so I had no choice. Ok, so I did call in for both but only listened because I had an audience and chose not to share in front of others. I’ll be there next Sunday but I still feel guilty.
Guilt is now something that is ok, since it has replaced shame. The two are not the same thing at all. Likewise, humility and humbleness have replaced humiliation, so I’m on the right path. My addiction is still very real although I have had no problem avoiding acting out, have no pictures of myself with which to sext, nor have I gone anywhere near any personal online sites. But there are other parts to addiction and those are still challenging to me. Things such as compulsive reactions in conversations, especially with my wife. I need to slow the hell down, stop and think, then speak. And I do NOT have to be right anymore. That was a really tough one to overcome. Resentments are tough too because I’ve come to terms with them all, fears too, but if I misstep just a little, I can rapidly develop new resentments. For that reason, I must avoid people who would trigger that in me. That means my inlaws and the men with whom I used to play Pickleball, a sport I truly love. But they are sexist and way over conservative and a few of the more outspoken are fundamentalist religious types. In today’s odd political times, I just cannot be around people like that or I will find myself right back at step one again. Sigh….. I’m doing really well on not acting out. That is huge. But I’m not doing as well at the other components. This really does take work every single day. I guess that’s where the “One day at a time” saying comes from.
Tomorrow is Monday and the holiday are upon us. This week we have a function out of town on Wednesday, a formal party at a law firm on Thursday, another dinner in Pittsburgh with friends on Saturday, then another party on Sunday. A couple more the next week and so on. Crazy times, but I’m busy which means I’m not isolating or bored. It was during free time that I acted out, so I tend to stay VERY busy anymore.
One day at a time, Bruce. One day at a time.