It might seem silly that I cry if I eat pizza or even a cookie, and maybe it is. To be honest, I’ve struggled with my weight even-though the doctors say I’m healthy, even if they say I should maintain my weight, even if my friends say I’m too thin. I still feel like a whale in the end. How can I be fat when I exercise 2 hours a day? That’s my question because the weight never seems to come off. It’s just frustrating as someone who used to be bullied for their body weight, I want to be thinner than my friends and I want to feel confident about my body. I know I can improve my body and should. I’m NOT happy with how I look currently. My last ex that I was with for two years suddenly changed around one and a half years after dating. He called me, “Chubby, pretty ugly, ugly, fat,” all within 6 months. One time after we had gotten intimate, I stupidly thought I looked beautiful to him but he texted me the next afternoon to let me know I, “Looked pretty ugly last night”. As someone who was raped, it does hurt. It hurt so bad because I stupidly thought I looked even the tiniest bit as pretty. I did something that scared me all for him. I handed my body over to someone else for one night and look what happened.
Probably partially the reason why my self-esteem has plummeted. I wouldn’t say I would commit suicide over my weight, but I really really hate it. Sometimes I hate living in this body. I’m terrified I’ll gain weight to the point where missing one day of exercise gives me anxiety and I won’t eat that entire day hoping to fend off extra calories.