Depressed

I feel rejected and sad. I try to reach out but I feel like nobody understands me especially my boyfriend. I love him very much but he doesn’t get me. I suffer from from bipolar depression and he has no mental illness in his family and he doesn’t understand my thinking. I don’t think anybody really understands my thinking except my mom. But I can’t really express how I feel because I know she I sad. I feel lonely and alone so often I don’t really know what to do. I feel like crawling out of my skin. I really miss my kid. I know he’s only 9 years old but he’s great company. He doesn’t make me feel so alone. He lights up the room and he makes my apartment feel like home. With him gone it just feels empty. I try to reach out to people but no one seems to be available that would understand when I need them. I kill time by watching things that distract me.. I wish I could call my boyfriend but I know that he’s busy. I wish somebody on Earth could possibly understand what it’s like to want to take your own life without really wanting to. You just want someone to care and to understand what you’re going through so that you don’t feel so alone and so abnormal and so crazy because the world is crazy and there is no normal. I get you’re not normal because you think a certain way. It just doesn’t seem fair. I want someone to love me and understand me and get me for who I am exactly but I haven’t found somebody who does. Does that person actually exist or am I facing an eternal existence completely alone? I hate feeling the way that I feel. I drink not to feel but I still feel unless I drink so that I get to the point of oblivion I don’t want to . I just want to have a happy existence like some people can. Maybe I did when I was a child but things change. Circumstances change and life just becomes dark and gray. I just want to be happy. How do I possibly make this happen when no one understands how I feel? I just wanna live and feel alive. Smile and laugh genuinely. I hope I’m not stupid to have faith that someday I will.

2 thoughts on “Depressed”

  1. your not alone…i feel very similar if not worse unfortunately .. im not sure how i can make you feel better but i had to leave a comment that your not alone in this cruel ass world….i contacted the suicide line and crisis line few times because its gotten that bad…i pray god watches over you and the many million other people like us

  2. Hello….
    I speculate you have a lot of time on your hands? Because when someone starts counting the seconds and minutes of time, it means they have nothing interesting to occupy their mind. May I suggest you look for something? Art, games, reading, movies, scrap booking, pets, a tv show? Occupy your mind. Start a mission to find out what you enjoy doing.
    In my life I tried to suicide 5x. Quite embarrassing actually, when you’re old I guess I didn’t really want to die. I do, but instinct is survival. How’d I get over it? Time. Age.
    Get into fitness! Focus on exercises and making yourself strong =) .good luck xo

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