I’m done with vain hopes.

I was scared, I didn’t know what you’d say. That phone lit up and you told me you wanted to see me. “Meet me at the park”. That was the place I chose because it reminded me all the good times we had there. Our second kiss, I was sitting on top of the slides and you pulled me close and it felt like it would never end.

I arrived early. I was waiting, I wanted to pretend to fall asleep. I was tired then so maybe you wouldn’t think I was waiting desperately just to see you. The first thing you said… “why now?” I don’t know, actually I do… I wasn’t ready then. Every time you knocked at my door begging me to come back, I really wasn’t ready then and it was unfair of me to tell you to wait for me and hope for the best but what if I would never be ready. 

“I still love you and I still haven’t gotten over you”. It was like heaven. I thought I had a chance now. It didn’t matter that you were dating someone, you said you didn’t like her. You asked for me back. Touched me, held me and told me you never want to lose me again. I told you I loved you still and I never stopped. You pulled me close and wanted to kiss me. I stopped you because I didn’t want to hurt her, the girl you were seeing. I wish I wasn’t someone with a moral compass, so that I could have asked you to take me home and sleep beside me. Nothing that we’d regret, I just wanted you to see that I was still your home and you were mine. 

I thought you’d break up with her, that’s what you said. It drove me crazy that I didn’t hear from you. When you finally picked up the phone, you said you didn’t end it. 

I don’t understand what did I do wrong? I was two months late you said. You still loved me and cared for me and that I was home. What was missing? What was I not able to say? I said everything… I loved you still, I wanted you back, I’ll be better. 

You made me hope for nothing. You didn’t even tell me you didn’t end it. What was I hoping for then? You told me that I was still your home but we were never getting back together. You said so many hurtful things out of spite maybe for what I did to you. Was I that bad? At least I never gave you false hope, you have to give me that. You don’t love her… but you don’t want to hurt her. You love me and you’re still inlove with me but you wanted to hurt me.

Twisted type of love these days.

Sick and twisted love is what I’m hanging on to. 

After everything, after you officially ended everything, you suddenly tell me “just checked up on you”. Why? You’re supposed to be looking out for her. While you’re checking up on me were you checking up on her as well? With that message I suddenly got flashbacks and false hope that we will get back together. 

I’ll always be the one that got away, at least that’s what you said. I only want to ask forgiveness.

Forgive me for not being the least bit sorry for being two months late.

Forgive me for only being ready now and wishing you’d ask me back.

Forgive me for making you choose me over her.

Forgive me for not understanding why you can still be inlove with me but not be with me. 

Forgive me that I could never get over you.

But I’m choosing to struggle slowly so that one day, you’d be a memory. A good one but at least only a memory and not anymore a vain hope. 

For now, what hurts is I still want you back. But at least I’m struggling to not want that anymore. 

Xoxo,

The girl who will always hear the music of the rain. 

3 thoughts on “I’m done with vain hopes.”

  1. That time he told you how he felt and tried to kiss you but you stopped him? Sounds to me that kiss would have led to sex. You know young guys say a lot of things to get sex? Nothing that led up to that point matters. He wanted sex. You wanted true love.

    Sorry but he’s probably having mad sex with new girl. Sorry I doubt he knows the meaning of the word Love yet. Or was it like a 10 year relationship that he had with you?

    Best you move on. Be serious about stopping your obsession with someone interested in someone else. Occupy yourself and do other things that make you happy =)

  2. @breaker hiiii! Omg i didnt know people read this. I just couldnt move on from him that’s why i started writing about it. We had a 3 year relationship. He’s my first 🙂 I’m a very conservative woman and not to defend him but he definitely did not want sex hehe! I think it’s because he’s the only relationship I’ve ever been that’s why I can’t get over him or i dont know maybe i just love him a lot. And you’re right I NEED to get over him.

    Thank you so much for reading my two blogs. I’m very touched that someone actually took the time to notice other people’s feelings!

  3. Happy Holidays, Rainmaker!
    I like giving feedback to people that stand out to me. Many times I hold back because I’m afraid of what I want to say, may be too forward or opinionated – I’m not wearing the shoes afterall. But I DO care an aweful lot!! and I HATE to see people hurt so much. In your case I could feel how much it this got to you and wanted to reach out and give you support. No rebound relationships please, get over this guy, heal, live your life and … love will happen randomly. You deserve someone who will want you because you are you! ps. If it wasn’t sex then that guy was dumb for letting someone like you go.

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