i feel like im losing my fucking mind.
i hate how loving him so much made me so fucking weak. i hate how much i hurt. and how i cant fucking function some days because its like i get blasted with all the heartbreak and loneliness that he left me with. and …. im fucking everything up for ayato. he’s developing feelings, he wants me to ‘wipe the slate clean’ between us and start brand new. i dont want to hurt him so i dont say the truth to him, which is that i dont want to be with him.
but i also dont want to sit alone pining over him, missing him, loving him. fuck all the love we use to have. i wish i could carve all the emotions i ever felt for him out of my brain. i want to hate him. i want to fucking hate him, detest him, i want to wish death on him, until i feel nothing for him.
im not going to be a bitch to ayato. if he wants to be with me, then i’ll be with him. if he wants to be with me and other girls, then i’ll be just one of his many. because in the end its all just a game, and you have to be strong. this kind of love is fucking cancer, its made me suicidal, and its all the same in the end. you get fucked over no matter what.