Trying to find my voice

What is going through my mind at this moment, thoughts slowly flooding in. First a trickle. Then, quickly evolving into a gushing waterfall of panic, distress, remorse and confusion.

What will I end up doing with myself?? Where will my life lead? A life based on lies, mistakes and bottled up emotions? Keeping up a daily façade, putting up with my own self torment for not being honest to myself.  Trying to please everyone while sacrificing my own happiness. What do I do? Why do I do the things I do?

I carry so much bullshit that I swear it feels that it’s starting to show on my face. The wear and tear of a girl who doesn’t know how to move forward…who is used to living in her worst memories. Who self sabotages anything real or good that comes her way, because she doesn’t know how to accept it. She only knows suffering and struggle. Because that’s what she seen growing up, as a child to a young adult.

Trying my hardest not to drown, find the strength within and scream at the top of my voice! Water already filling up my lungs to the point of only hearing asphyxiated sounds coming from my throat, unable to draw a breath of air through my lips.

This is how I feel when these thoughts surface my mind.

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