Journal virgin/it’s my first time, be easy on me

Hello…. My name is Slim Shady…. JK. Same initials tho…. Shawn Sawyer. I know, I know…. it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. I apologize for that. Today is December 7th……. my Dad’s bday and of course the anniversary of the pearl harbor shenanigans. My father is one of my best friends and was the “best man” in my wedding. Smile, Jesus loves you!! Ok, that was ramdom. I am a 37 y/o male who is nothing great to gaze upon. Soooooo, I bet that you are wondering…. why the picture of the beautiful/drop dead gorgeous lady in the photo?? What the heck is that all about?? Well……. hold tight…. you’s about to find out. You see, that beautiful momma is going to be approximately 68% of my writings(give or take 13%).

So ya….. about that picture. This was back in 2013. My wife/best friend was evidently getting ready for a date. This pic was her FB post for the evening titled “All dolled up for my best buddy”. *** tears right now**** She later commented that she enjoyed the look on my face when I caught a glimpse of her. See, the thing is…. she never had to try hard to make herself attractive to me. I could stare at her for hours…. even on her worst day. I didn’t realize back then that I was taking her for granted. I knew in my own heart that I loved her more than life itself so that should be good enough….. right?? WRONG!!!!! I failed. I failed miserably. One very disastrous mistake that I made was that I hung all of my feelings/happiness/contentment on her shoulders. I was so love struck by this woman that my confidence/security all depended on her opinion/actions towards me. I was not confident in myself. If she was sad towards me… I was even sadder!!! This caused me to spiral out of control. I hung my every emotion on her shoulders. I had always viewed it as a positive connection. Which, in some instances, it was very positive. For instance, I was with this lady through 3 pregnancies, weight fluctuations etc. However…. I never looked upon another woman. Nobody believes me though. Towards the end while our relationship was spiraling downward…. I did look upon other women. I would get envious of couples who appeared happy on the outside. I wanted those hugs and kisses so bad for myself. I physically ached for attention from the most beautiful woman in the world… my wife.

SO ya…….. you are probably thinking “what kind of lunatic would mess up the greatest thing that this world has ever offered you?!!??!” Well…. I’ll get to that sometime. But for now, can we please get back to this amazing woman???!! Ok, so….. during our recent struggles she plopped in my lap one night. It was very very out of the ordinary. It was sooooo amazing… She offered me attention w/out me asking for it. I tried to tell her the importance of it to me many times. I’m certain that she really just didn’t care one way or another. She was hurt and by God… she was gonna stay hurt!!!!!!! I’ve been there…. ugh… holding onto things on purpose because we might need them later on…. when the whole time we could have been in forgiveness mode and living life to the fullest. I gotta go…… dad’s bday dinner is approaching.

Ok, I’m back. Dinner was good. My father was in good spirits just like any other time that I see him. He is one of the most positive people that I know. I need his kind of faith in my life. I have serious struggles with fear. It is crippling at times. I desire the faith of the prophets. I guess that sometimes I ride the fence. Some days I believe strongly in miracles (for example: my family) while other days I see the negative in every situation and I convince myself that my miracles are out of reach. It is really tough when you are in a dire situation and believing for a miracle and then WHAAAM….. more things transpire to make the miracle seem even more out of reach. But…. rejoice…. because GOD does his best work in the hopeless situations. I can testify to many miracles in my life and others lives. My God cares for his children. I will seek the kingdom of God first. Good night

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