leaking.

tomorrow i have three tests, two of which are back to back.

i have been falling apart. i know i said i was going to be more positive, but it’s really hard and most days i struggle and grapple with my hell brain.

yesterday night i forgot to submit my essay to turnitin.com because i was busy crying so hard i thought my chest would burst open and spill my guts out. i only remembered that i hadn’t done it this morning while i was eating breakfast without really tasting it, and i had a brief surge of panic before it kind of fizzled out.

i thought i was feeling better this morning, but once i got to physics, for some reason, i was really dizzy and i couldn’t stop thinking about the most horrible things, mostly about myself. i started tearing up, so i went to the bathroom, sat down in a stall, and just started crying. i was crying so hard that i thought i was going to literally die right there in that bathroom stall. then someone came in and i held it in until they left, and then resumed crying for a small bit before i forced myself to get it together and scrubbed at my face. my eyes were scarily red and i couldn’t hide them, so i just went back to class. i was shaking all over by that point. my friend n asked me if i was okay, and i just said No. i couldn’t even concentrate on reviewing for the test tomorrow because i was too dizzy and light-headed.

oh, and my period came today too. so, although i didn’t have any cramps this time, the painkillers always make me dizzy anyway.

i almost broke down yesterday morning when i saw my physics teacher and she asked how i was and i said i wasn’t good. i literally teared up and i’m pretty sure i sounded like i was about to cry, which i was. she said she was worried about me, and i literally almost started bawling my eyes out right there. but i held it together enough to wipe down the board before i left. someday, i’m going to be able to tell her (or i guess someone else) how i feel without breaking down and looking like the mess i am. i really should, because every time i think about talking to someone face to face and having them listen to me, i start crying because it’s such an impossible scenario that i wish would happen, but it obviously wouldn’t happen the way i imagine it, because in my head, i’d be speaking coherently, whereas in real life, i’d just be crying and shaking so hard that everything i said would be a garbled snotty mess.

i don’t think i’m capable of going to bed early tonight, because one, i have three tests to study for and two, if i go to bed without being super tired, i’m going to have Bad Thoughts and start crying again. i can’t seem to hold it together anymore. in physics, before i went to the bathroom to break down for five minutes, i kept telling myself I’m struggling, I’m just really struggling right now, and for some reason, that was kind of what made me feel worse. i guess i’ve always just thought i was kind of sort of coping well enough to get by, but apparently, i’ve finally mostly accepted that that’s a lie, and i’m not coping well at all.

i read a list of things that people with depression do and say, and i fit most if not all of them. i seriously doubt that i DON’T have problems, although i’m not really sure what they are just yet. but i’m really worried that i’m somehow “faking” all of this, even though that’s like the most paranoid and stupid thought ever, because how could i fake feeling this awful all the time? but i’m just guilty about everything. i felt guilty for even expressing any sad thoughts to my physics teacher, because it felt like i was just manipulating her into saying that she was worried about me so i could feel validated. even when my programming teacher complimented my moose tote, i felt weirdly guilty, as if i’d somehow manipulated her into saying it???? which doesn’t even make any sense??? like???? what???? how????

honestly, i feel like once you start shattering to pieces in high school bathroom stalls, you’ve hit a low point and seriously need to reevaluate your entire life.

i don’t understand how i’m supposed to feel alright in the future when i’ve literally smashed to millions of little fragile shards again and again and again. vases never hold things the same way after they’re dashed to pieces; even if they’re taped up, water still leaks from all the ugly cracks. i think i’m leaking.

i’m really not okay. i’m really struggling. i can’t do this; i can’t go on like this. i’m already losing the drive to do anything, to be anything.

one of the reasons i was crying so hard last night was because i sat in the dark, on the edge of my bed in my freezing room, and held the little pocket-tool that my brother gave me in my hands with the small sharp blade out. i was thinking about what would happen if i cut myself, if it would feel good or bad. i thought it might feel relieving. i thought that cutting my thigh, not my wrist, wouldn’t be as dangerous or hurt as much. but then i realized just how stupid and pathetic i was being, thinking about hurting myself when it would be so pointless and damaging, and i put the little knife on the floor and just leaned over my knees and started sobbing. i felt awful. i’d done the same thing once a few years ago, only i’d held the same knife to my wrist, and then i didn’t really feel anything, but yesterday night it felt so painful inside my guts it was almost like i’d actually cut myself somewhere. then i just lay there and cried until i fell asleep because i exhausted and dehydrated.

i need help. i can’t afford it right now, though. i’ll have to wait until college before i can look for it. this isn’t normal; normal people shouldn’t feel this weak. i feel like i’m suffering, and it’s stupid, because i have no reason to feel like this and so many people are going through things that are a thousand times more stressful yet i’m the one falling apart. it’s pathetic, and i know i’m weak. but i need help because it’s getting harder and harder and harder to keep my shape and solidity.

the good news today is that i’ve been accepted to a&m, and i’ve finally finally FINALLY submitted my common app for ou. plus, my old english teacher actually DID submit his rec letter like i asked him too. this weekend, i’m going to buy gifts for my teachers (or well, the ones i actually know and like hehe) and my friends. well, only a few friends. jw doesn’t like getting gifts. js, p, pg, d, and n at least make five people i MUST give gifts to, because i love them and they have never shown me anything but love and support, and they make me feel slightly okay even when i’m really losing it.

i can’t wait until the week is over. my dad is coming next week. i’m not excited, but i’m not sad; i just don’t really feel anything about it.

my physics teacher asked if anything made me happy, and i said I guess? i told her school makes me happy, and it mostly does.

i’m nauseous. the painkillers never fail to make me feel dizzy.

isn’t it disgusting just how much time i’ve wasted writing all of this when i could have been studying for my tests? it’s pathetic. i’m pathetic. but i didn’t expect to sleep early tonight anyway, so i guess it doesn’t matter.

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