I know, I know. I am probably breaking every rule by posting twice in one day. Please be patient with me because I have never done this before. I just have so much on my heart to say. Even though bedtime is approaching I have this aching inside of me to write. It could just be indigestion… but anyways….
I have often thought about this….. if I was dying and could only say 3 words to my beautiful bride, what would it be?? I would be quick to answer by saying “I Love You”. However, after much thought, I do not think that to be true. I am certain that I would boldly say “I forgive you”. Now, before you get righteous with me and say ” whoa, wait a minute, weren’t you the one who caused her pain?!?!” Let me say this, you are absolutely correct. But here is the kicker…… there has been things that she has said and done that ruled over my mind. I wanted to forgive her… but I wasn’t seeing results so I acted out. It was a snowball effect. I forgive her for things that she has done in the past. I forgive her for things that are current. I even have forgiveness on a shelf for things that she has not even done yet. I forgive her for things that don’t even bring her guilt. I believe that LOVE is built around forgiveness(see new testament). I need forgiveness so badly in my life. I ache for it. So, I know its value. My beautiful wife has declared in the past that she has forgiven me but then I would mess up again. Then the original hurt was compounded until finally she was just a walking shell void of emotions for me. That hurt… I wanted to be important to her!! I would loathe any person or thing that grabbed her attention. I was not being controlling… I was living on hurt. I do believe that she thrust herself into a different world to escape the pain. I also whole heartedly believe that she wanted me to change and be her love of a lifetime. I knew that she wasn’t content so I would point out flaws of others close to her and say “see, they have issues also”. Big mistake. When in fact I should have grabbed the reins of my own life and been an asset to her soul. There is a reason why I would tell everyone that she was the greatest person walking the planet. I truly believed it. It was not a facade or an act. Well, here is the flip side to that. You CANNOT be an asset to the greatest person alive and act like a fool. It just doesn’t work. It would be like serving filet mignon w/ a side of ramen noodles. Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?? That is how ridiculous my thinking was. I do struggle w/ self confidence. But one thing that I feel the utmost confident about is being able to be a life long best friend and supporter for her. I still consider her my best friend. She knows more about me than anyone else. I know, without a single doubt, that I have what it takes to satisfy her. I know all of her fears, damage, likes, desires etc. I know every curve on her body. And you know what?!?!? She has said that she is self conscious about her body. Whoa, back the truck up, she is a centerfold to me. I thought that if could have done anything right it would have been to make her feel beautiful. I do not miss a chance to see her beautiful face. I gaze at her pictures every night. I envy any person who gets to be near her. In closing tonight…. I will say that she is worth every once of forgiveness. Ahhhh, my beautiful bride……. I will be thinking of you when I close my eyes. Goodnight and God bless.