I think of you and i’m so torn. I’m terrified you won’t feel the same at the same time doubt fills my heart wondering if you ever truly cared for me. If you ever really knew me, because i’m a handful…I’m not worth the trouble. I hate myself for what i put those that love me through. I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with what my family does. They’ve known me forever and it’s still a struggle for them. They don’t understand why i am the way I am. I don’t understand why I am this way. I can’t change i’ve tried….lord how i’ve tried. Mike fell for me, he loved me the whole hot mess that I was and I betrayed him, I hurt him, I wronged him. I don’t think anyone will ever love me like he did and I regret leaving him. I regret hurting him. Because now I’M so broken and i feel like he is all that can fix me, someone else has to fix me, I can’t do it myself, I’M not strong enough. I thought i was a lost cause until I found you. And then after I figured out your circumstance I knew I was just there to help ease the pain temporarily. Ease your pain, heal you until you got your stuff handled, which required you leaving me, so I couldn’t get attached. But I did. Because of the things you said and the way you looked at me. How your hands felt on my body. I was so self conscious, but you made me feel pretty again. And not IM sooo deep hatred for myself. I’ve gained 20# since you left. I can’t even look in the mirror when I walk by. How could you possibly find me attractive?? But regardless of looks, I have a lot to offer, I’m successful, my own house, a decent vehicle, a good job. But even with all that I live week to week. Ive seriously considered becoming a dominatrix to make money, but I’ve been raped too many times to take that risk…and I’M so fat now….
I run away when i get drunk to places I shouldn’t go, to places I don’t want to go, but that’s the only time the voices stop. That’s the only relief I get from feeling pathetic and worthless and like IM a burden to everyone I know. They don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve this…it would be better if I wasn’t born, if I had died. But my sons my innocent sons, they love me regardless of my faults, and they would hurt if I left them. Even if it was in there best interest. They cant understand the thoughts in my head. My biggest fear is that they will turn out like me. That they will battle their minds daily. That they will never feel good enough for anyone.
And then there is you, you who made me feel alive for the first time in forever but you that showed me the closet to hide in. The darkness that temporarily stops the words, the negative, if only for a few moments. It’s worth it. And now you’ve been free of that feeling for two years, and I dare not drag you back into that world. But I want you with me. I want to feel what you made me feel before, but I question is it was real? We were high and drunk and just being reckless. Did you ever really like me, see me? And when you went away I mourned you, but I ran to the darkness to mask my pain and that didn’t help. And you told me to leave you be while inside. And I did. Not that I was ever good at being there for people not in front of my face. I need a caparone, a babysitter, someone to keep my attention and deal with my demons. But no one can, it’s not fair to ask them to. I hate myself, why wouldn’t the rest of the world.
I am a professional at the fake smile, no one sees the thoughts inside. And when they slip out on a drunken night, to those i trust, they hate me for it, they taunt me, they dare me to act upon them. If only I was brave enough to do it. If only there was a way to do it without hurting my boys, and my family, who love me, and yet tire of dealing with me.
And you, you don’t even know what you’re dealing with. Do you even want to deal with it anymore, after I pushed you away. After I was mean and cruel, after I left you to fend for yourself. Adn will they ever accept you after what we did. Doubtful, will we ever be someone, with dreams and goals, or will we fall into old habits and run in circles like I am now…Im tired…Im tired of fighting my head and my thoughts, I’m tired of hating myself, I’m tired of feeling not good enough, I’m so ready to go to another phase, is it in this world or the next?? I do not know.