Familiar Taste of Poison

Weight this morning: 50.7kg

If you were someone on the outside looking in, things here are running quite smoothly. Harry is keeping up a pretty good routine and sleeps all night, even though he can wake up at around half 6 sometimes. He is also eating well, even though it has to be pasta in home-made tomato sauce and full fat cheese every single night…of course followed by 10 of those little magic stars (chocolate) as his dessert. Harry is loving his chocolate so much; he still can’t understand why he cannot eat all of his advent calendar chocolates all in one day. I bought him a really nice advent calendar actually, I didn’t realise it but the shapes he has had have been really cool! He had a fire-engine shaped one and a car shaped one which he loved, he loves any vehicles. Harry gets so excited when I ask him to look for the number of the date that needs to be open. Today I was like “Where’s number nine, Harry?” and he giggles and smiles so much looking for the number. It’s lovely to see.

I’ve booked Harry, myself and my mum to take Harry to see Father Christmas next week on Tuesday 🙂 It’s only at our local garden centre. The decorations are spectacular; if nothing else Harry can enjoy looking at all the beautiful lights and decorations! I have learned though that the whole seeing Father Christmas and sitting on his lap to tell him what you want for Christmas and having a photo is no longer that anymore. The garden centre said that sitting on Santa’s lap was no longer allowed. In the 21st century things are so restricted and everybody can sue each other for anything…so people don’t dare do anything at all. I understand of course but it’s just a shame. Sitting on Santa’s lap and telling him what you hoped to get for Christmas was a happy thing to do at Christmas, as kids we were all so excited about things like that.

This weekend my parents and I are going to buying the Christmas tree and decorate the house. Hopefully anyway. Nothing goes very smoothly being just the three of us, we argue and disagree quite often about one another. All three of us having been seriously unwell in the past and still unwell to some degree now causes it to be extremely difficult to get along though my mum would never admit that.

I have actually still not been well at all. I had to go to the dentist yesterday and it’s a fair drive to get there as it’s around the city centre of Cardiff. It was fine really but afterwards I feel awful. I think about chatting to the receptionist and the dentist and walking about in the streets to walk to the dental practise and it makes me feel really bad. It’s all my interactions with anyone I have to meet and talk to that I just can’t cope with. After my appointment I rushed to my car and as I slammed the door shut I breathed a sigh of relief and as I was crying I felt like crying. I just can’t cope with any interactions with others, the way my mind seems to process it just makes me super depressed and almost suicidal. I think it’s mainly the worry of what those people must have thought of me and a massive hidden shame inside me where I think these people have no idea the things I’ve done, the years I’ve spent under section in a mental health hospital. The interactions usually go well, don’t get me wrong, on the contrary I was in a good conversation with the receptionist at the dentist surgery; we were talking about our children and taking to them to see Santa and all that and probably the receptionist didn’t think anything bad of me at all. I’m not blaming anyone or anything I know it’s most likely me. I always think everyone just dislikes me and I feel the disappointment of everyone disliking me and I think it’s because I must be a bad person, then all the horrific memories (which are many) that support this way of thinking stick in my head and torture me for the rest of the day. The memories are very good supporters of the whole everyone hates me, everyone leaves me in the end and it’s all because I’m a truly terrible person way of thinking, trust me, I have awful memories that really do support this negative theory and I can’t escape it. So everyone time I go outside I experience this, even just a simple trip to the dentist. Everywhere and anywhere I go.

I am even starting to get this negative thought with my own son. I already think he prefers everyone else to me and I think well that’s just how my whole life has been so why did I think it would be any different with my own son but my son is only two and a half! I try to remind myself that Harry is far too young to think I prefer everyone else to my own mother, he is too young to think that way. I do worry about the future when he’s older and can think like that, I’m almost convinced he’ll grow up to hate me. That’s why I desperately try to tell myself that I need to stick around, if I died Harry would certainly hate me in future for it, for leaving him. It’s getting difficult to not treat myself badly…I feel like I deserve it anyway and I have no friends, no one to tell and very limited coping mechanisms. I am getting by on my own inner strength but I’m terrified of myself and what I have done in the past.

But from the outside everything is fine, running smoothly and very organised. In Harry’s arts and crafts group on Monday Harry even got involved with making Christmas cards and stuck shapes all over the card 🙂 I asked him if he wanted to give the card to his daddy and he was very keen on that idea so he gave it to Will on Wednesday.

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