Sunday December 10th

Yesterday was hard on me. Weekends are really hard because I have to be alone the whole time. I start feeling more depressed. During the week, I’m so busy with school, I don’t have time to think about it as much. I messaged Craig a couple of times yesterday. Not anything, really. I took Noah to dinner last night. I saw Brent when I went over there. I had asked him for all of us to go to dinner, but he had a work dinner to go to. I said to him he should invite me to the the work dinner. He said I wasn’t an employee. I said don’t you get a plus one. He said no “xwifeys”. I hate it when he calls me that. He has done that before, but a long time ago. He really confuses the shit out of me. I think anyone would be confused by him. He has agreed to come to my house for Christmas Eve with my family. what is that? If I am nothing but his ex-wife, why is he spending Christmas Eve with me and my family? 

Last night, he started just saying random shit while I was at his house to get Noah. I think that’s a defense/coping mechanism he has. He will lie/make something up just to have something to say. I said something about him letting his beard grow in, and he said some story about some woman at his work that didn’t want him to have a  beard, so that’s why he was doing it. I said is that what you’re wearing to the party, and he said some story about it being on purpose because the same woman had said the dinner was formal, blah, blah. I think that’s what he does when he’s uncomfortable- he talks, and if he can’t think of  anything true to say, he makes something up.

I was trying to change how I look at my single-ness yesterday. Unlike Deedra, I am not going to grab someone from the internet and marry them to avoid the pain of being single. I have ruined every relationship I’ve ever had. I destroy them. Completely destroy them. I hate being alone. I hate going to stores and seeing couples or families shopping together. 

I think about the fact that my grandmother was probably about my age when I was born, and she was single until she died at 81. That may be me. I have to figure out how to deal with it. 

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