So as promised here is the story of the conceptions of my children. Disclaimer: I am not the only person I personally know in this predicament. But Some of the women I know in this situation married the third father. Third times the charm right? Perhaps if I were more willing to take a little more crap or lose a little dignity or even give up on my ideas of a stable relationship I too would either be in a long term relationship or even married right now. Granted I would most likely be miserable in every area of my life outside of the bedroom! But hey I’d be a partner, instead of the chronically single mother I am today.
Well to start my eldest son was a product of raging teen hormones and irresponsibility at its finest. When we met his dad was 19 and I 15. It was an unusually warm fall day when he rode past my house and I caught his eye from my porch. I was sitting there because my mother wasn’t home and I couldn’t get in the house from school. It’s was a strange series of coincidences that sort of just came together for us to meet. I’m sure he was attracted by my stylish hair do and cute outfit. My hair was usually unkempt and a source of stress for me but the weekend before we met my mom had for once given me the option to choose my style which came out very flattering. The outfit was bought the week prior on one of my weekend trips to the mall with my best friend.
So coupled with being locked out and being unusually cute that day things just lined up for me to catch the attention of this older man. He actually rode by, slowed down then backed up to get out of the car to come talk to me. He was a nice looking brown skin guy about my height and thin built. Nothing special but cute and hey, no one else was checking for me so to me he looked like Boris Kodjo! Lol! He drove a big blue caprice (which I later found out was his moms). Back then guys who drove old schools were the coolest thing to me. They were always the young cute guy making money in our neighborhood. Keep in mind I was very young and had no concept of what a quality guy was. I was way to impressed all the wrong things from the start. After exchanging numbers we talked on the phone every night and texted often. My mom and step dad both worked nights once he found that out it became his mission to either sneak in or have me sneak out to meet him. “I loves yous” were exchanged and soon after my virginity was long gone. We slept together 3 times before he randomly found a reason to get mad at me and block my calls. I called everyday and cried every night not understanding what happened. While at my aunts house weeks later I have randomly tried again to call him. Alas it rang and he answered! Note: Had I been thinking rationally and had any type of backbone I would have realized he was an ass and didn’t deserve my attention or tears. I was just happy to hear his voice again.
We got back “together” that night and lasted another 3months before I missed my period. Or at least I think it was 3 months. To be honest, I wasn’t keeping track of my periods very well, hey I was 15 and hadn’t had any talks with my mom about these things. Either way, once I told him I was pregnant things deteriorated pretty fast. I think I spoke to him twice after that and he wasn’t kind at all. That was a very low point in my life and I found myself wishing my huge stomach would turn out to be a huge tumor instead of a baby bump that was getting harder to hide. I celebrated my sweet 16 at a beautiful Italian restaurant with my mom grandma and best friend. My mom kindly bought me an outfit to hide my bump and as a gift a diamond ring with a gold band. She let me get my first sew in weave and wear her gold watch. It was the best! Now I know it could have been so much more if I hadn’t made the decision to do grown up things but that was the best she could do for her 16 year old daughter who was now 6 months pregnant. Once my son was born and we were in the hospital 2 of my cousins came to visit me. My faithful favorite and outspoken cousin pushed the phone in my hand and force me to dial his number and tell him I had the baby. I called and with my heart beating through my chest said the words. He hung up. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd that’s been his stance on parenting since my son was born. Not to mention he told me after I found out I was pregnant he had two other kids and that’s why he ”didn’t need this.”
My second son was as ill conceived as the first. His dad was a hard working 21 year old who lived near my high school. When I met him I had snuck out of the house to go to the gas station one night. Even though I had my eldest I was still pretty much a big ass kid and loved to spend my 2 or 3 dollars on snacks and candy. Plus since having my son this was the only way I could get out of the house! I would spend an hour fixing my hair or head scarfs to make me look the most appealing. I always wore my cutest jeans (because I was walking and wanted my butt to look cute to guys driving by). I had convinced my mom to buy me a this really gaudy yet cute cream baby phat coat with gold studs and fur on the hood. It was waist length and with the right jeans made the perfect combo! I would walk to whichever store I had decided would have the cutest guys grabbing gas or would put me on a route where I could meet cute guys. You see by this time I was a lonely teen mom and my first sons dad had opened me up to the world of sex and relationships and I wanted back in. In hindsight I should have refocused my energy so I could be a good mom for my child but I was young and dumb and unfocused.
Number 2 pulled up to me one night while I was crossing a busy intersection leaving the gas station with a bag of goodies. He actually asked for my number with his mom in the car with him! This should have been my first inclination this was a bad idea! But as I said before… Young and dumb! I have him my number and he called the same night. We talked all night and hit it off instantly. In the coming weeks we spoke constantly and he was much more attentive than number one. We went out on dates and even took my son along. He would give me money when I needed it and regularly came to visit. I knew he had a daughter but that was less concerning this time around because I had a child of my own and he was honest upfront. We always used protection, well except once! Sexually he opened me up to a whole new world MALE GENEROSITY in bed! Number one was all about self. But number two was very giving and sharing. I could ask him for anything in the bad and I would get it! He introduced me to oral sex and he even “tossed my salad”! And yes! All of this occurred in my twin sized bed on nights when my step dad (who now worked days) slept exceptionally hard. On one of the rare occasions we didn’t use protection I became pregnant. This time I knew instantly when my period was late. I told him with the hopes we could figure out how to get an abortion. I even called a distant cousin on my dads side to pretend to be my mom and take me to the clinic. She of course was not down and told my grandmother. Who called me and begged me not to go that route. I called the cousin back you confront her about telling my secret when my mother crept in my doorway and heard every detail. The secret was out. Another one! Number two seemed to have my back for a while then the calls stopped and his phone was disconnected. He had previously mentioned moving so when my mom and I rode past his house it was no surprise there was a for sale sign outside of it. Here we go again. Another baby due to my own careless actions and the dad was long gone. He was a no show for a while until my son was almost 2 and he requested a dna test. Most likely because I had gone on public assistance and one of the conditions of receiving benefits is submitting the Father’s information for child support so they can recoup some of their benefits. Number one never responded of course. Now he’s still not a regular presence in my son’s life but occasionally shows up when most needed. He had an accident at work and has a chronic illness so now receives disability. He made sure to sign my son up as well because child support had taken a big chunk of his first check due to arrearages. I want to be bitter like “really that the only reason you did this for your own child?” But then again to this day that is the only form of consistent support I receive for any of my children. I later found out from his daughters mother that I was the other woman. It didn’t sting because I was long over him and didn’t really care about the past at that point. But apparently on one of our dates where we took my son we were spotted by some of her family members and they had a huge falling out over that. Apparently she always thought the child her family saw was the child we’d had together. Sadly no! There were no family nights shared in this dysfunctional situation.
Now for the one who was supposed to be my “end game” the guy who was supposed to right all the wrongs of my past and make an honest women out of me. Number 3! I met him at a time of my life where I had really glowed up! I was in school (community college), I had my own two bedroom townhouse and I was thin and finally liking myself again. The boys were 7and 8 so the chip on my shoulder of having two kids had lightened a bit. I was really feeling myself! Still without a car and taking those same walks to the store to get attention I met him solely by chance. I used to smoke weed heavily. But with no job I often lured guys over “to hang out” and smoke. I didn’t give the smokers any sex because I was always the cool friendly girl. I didn’t need to need anyone! I had my pick and the guys I dated didn’t tend to smoke. They were professionals and thought I was too. Oh yeah I used to lie about having a job because even though I was a single mom on welfare and living in subsidized housing I didn’t want to be a stereotype! But boy was I! Anyway so due to my smoking weed with a guy the night prior I woke up late to take the kids to school. I thought about just letting them stay home for the day but quickly dismissed the notion because, well HOW DARE I STAY UP LATE SMOKING WEED THEN DENY MY BOYS THEIR EDUCATION?! So I got up got them ready and headed on to walk them down the block to school. On my way back I saw a group of guys walking towards me. Number 3 was a tall dark skinned handsome guy carrying a bag of what I assumed was breakfast food from the Coney Island. He stopped me and asked for my number which I gave him. We hung out and smoked a few times before he asked if he could join my family for dinner. He brought wine and snacks for the kids and weed of course. It was a glorious night! The boys loved him right out the gate and honestly so did I. I put the kids to bed and he and I sat up and watched tv and smoked. Eventually the panties came off and we slept together. It was… umm painful! He was way to big for my opening but gave the best oral I had ever had so I tried my hardest to bear the pain. He came over everyday after that and we were a fast item. Visits became sleep overs and sleep overs changed to living together. I stopped going to class so I could spend more time with him. He would leave daily as if he were headed to work and return in the evening where I had dinner and a happy loyal family waiting for him. He came to church and Sunday dinners at my grandmothers house and even her 75th birthday party! Yes this was finally it! Love!
One day he kept going on and on about a get money scheme he had set in motion with one of his friends. He and some guy from his old neighborhood were going to go to his old college and sell weed to the students. He was convinced he could double his money in a day and be home by nightfall. I told him it was a dumb idea but he wouldn’t let up. He wound up asking me to borrow the money to fund his scheme but I would have no parts of it. He asked again and again and again over that weekend. Honestly don’t know if it was me being tired of him asking or my own greed and desire to see if he could actually flip the money for a profit but I finally gave in. I gave him 75 dollars out of my already limited child support to fund his venture. What happened next? You guessed it! He called me that night from campus jail where they were waiting for the local police to pick him up. Months later I found out he and his friend went to visit a former classmate and acquaintance of his and $400 came up missing after they left. He claimed the friend he was with took the money but now I think either he did or they were both in on the plot. Turns out while he thought he was being the “trap king” campus police had been looking for him all day! He did 90 days in jail and I stuck by him everyday. During this time I had calls from two ex’s that I really liked when I dated them. Despite having my baby boy I honestly wish I had entertained their advances and left the jail bird to rot alone. He came home right after his birthday and I (again wasting my limited child support!) had and outfit a cake and a big dinner waiting for him.
About a month later I found out he had a baby on the way from a prior relationship. I can honestly say due to the timing the child was conceived before we met. But this became the source of great strife for us. Naturally he was all of a sudden less concerned with my bastard sons and more concerned with his new son. I because very insecure about his relationship and conversations with the child’s mother. We had a big fight and of course he told his mom. She threw him a baby shower for his side of the family and though it was a surprise she had told and invited me prior to the big fight. Obliviously after that fight my invitation was revoked and I had to live with the secret of his impending shower that I was no longer invited to.
Valentine’s Day came and he spent the day at the casino with his homeboy. Which I was super confused about because we were flat broke so I know he didn’t have money to gamble. Then the bombshell! His mom gave him a new phone. Being that he had just had the baby with the other woman it was obvious what the password was, the child’s birthday. Let’s note here hat prior to the arrival of the new phone, we didn’t do passwords or locked phones period! He would often pick up my phone and play the games or use it to search whatever he needed to because my internet speed was faster. So the arrival of this new security measure was very incriminating! I went through the phone and found multiple messages between he and the child’s mother where they were making plans for their future together. She would help him get a car and they were going to get an apartment together so they could raise their baby together. See she was a major source of insecurity for me. Not because she was prettier or thinner. But because she had money and had his first child. Something I could never give him. Something I had dreamed of giving him many nights of laying in bed together or love making. This was supposed to be us! And here he was making plans to leave me for the woman who he never even wanted in the first place. I sat and sat and sat until I decided the best route to take to handle the situation.
I threw a glass of ice water in his sleeping face! I know immature reaction right?! Well this is the best I could do in the state I was in. He woke up dazed and confused and I have to admit I couldn’t help but to giggle a little at the dumb face he was making! Lol, still I laugh to myself at the thought! He stumbled to his feet and yelled “yo wtf bae?!” To which I responded by throwing his phone at him. We had a horrible crazy fight that night and he called “the baby mama” to pick him up from my house. I responded by bleaching all his clothes and throwing them outside the door. It was a melodramatic mess to say the least. I still feel bad for my neighbors! We broke up for a few weeks before he came home apologetic and I was lonely and missed him so I allowed him back. Within months I was already tired of his presence again when I realized I’d missed a period. I was very confused. I had always said I wouldn’t have another child out of wedlock but I didn’t want this relationship anymore. I deemed the clinic out of the question and here we are! Three kids by three men who aren’t involved.
I know that was a very long story and in and effort to spare my fingers from cramping I did omit some information to speed of the story lines. But there you have it, the 3 times I made poor decisions that amounted to the greatest blessings I could ever ask for! I work as hard as I do and ask for Little from their dads because at the end of the day whether they take responsibility or not these are my boys and I want to see them do well in life so I have to provide them the environment to become better men than their fathers. If I stopped to relish on the seemingly sad position I’m in I’d surely curl up and die! I consider my little family happily unconventional and strive everyday to keep them from feeling the woes of not having Father’s present. I have to make the best out of the situation I created!