First entry, but it feels like an old diary.

Yep. Its my first entry. And nope, it didn’t linger in my mind for the longest time to start this. It just struck my mind as fast as a rugby ball is fired. Poof.. and here I am.

Gonna drop the bomb first. I’m a newly divorced 27-year-old.

‘This is your chance to start afresh,’ they said. ‘Second chance in life.’ I don’t deny it, it does feels that way… on some days. But on some days, it felt like utter crap. It feels like you’re the biggest loser in the [Life] Game. It’s just tons and tons of mistaken routes packaging themselves into a nice term of ‘beautiful mistake’. An almost sense of anxiety washed over me, setting me on panic mode whenever I do the reality check. Am I alive? very much yes. Am I fine? yes but…. whatever never mind. Am I contented with the outcome? its a 50-50 situation here. Very much honest here, I love the new-found freedom and wisdom. Yeah maybe I’ll live to tell the tale of how I survived this on top of a job and school. But on the other hand, there’s this remote sense of …. loneliness that lingers at the back of my mind… at the pit of my stomach.

And as the story goes,  I met this other one. He seems like a jovial joker at first… but I just have this sense of sniffing out people who are putting on a front. And it turns out, he is one. Smile is his antidote to everything in daily life, and ended up stuffing all the negativity and sorrow to himself. And I’m a sucker for this special group of individuals. Don’t ask me why… it just is from the beginning of time. He has his own business to take care of but we talk every day which is cool for me (as I’m a grown adult, ahem.) but as fate would have it (hah!), he might be posted overseas for a job. I remained so chilled about it that he might even be convinced that I’m rejoicing on his behalf but deep down, my stomach turns at the thought of…. him not being around. It’s crazy as I’ve not known him for the longest time but it’s just this feeling I couldn’t push away or get around it. I feel disgusted at myself for being so reliant and weak to be affected at this situation like, come on girl! You just survived a horrible divorce and being a bad-ass in your new life and now your ‘happiness’ lies depends on someone’s career advancement ?! What kind of a selfish bi**h does that?!

Me. I do. But no, I did not mention this to anyone. Which leads to the reason why I’m here. To pen out these deep dark thoughts of mine somewhere. To let this float somewhere in the depth of the internet. And maybe someday I will read back and laugh my old a** off at how pathetic I am. But what if I don’t? What if my regret swallows me as a whole, creating yet another empty hole that can’t be mended?

Yep. That’s about it. There goes my first entry. Goodnight, goodnightjournal.

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