he makes me feel so special.

I wanted it to be different so bad, but things never end up working out that way do they. He was so perfect and I ruined everything. Or maybe he did. Im unsure about the answer to that question. I think majority of the problem was that we continually hurt each other, over and over again, and called it love because we were both too afraid to leave. I saw him yesterday, after six months of being away from each other. I walked in and his mom and dad hugged me and my heart raced. When he came in I knew I was so in love with him still and there was no way he was getting out of my head. He took me upstairs and I fell into his arms like I always have and I always will. I couldn’t help but to surrender into his love. He began kiss my forehead and then my neck and as soon as I knew it we were making out and I couldn’t stop what was happening. I know he respectfully asked if it was okay if he kissed me and I said “maybe”, so yes I could have stopped it. But I didn’t want to. I needed him just as much as he needed me at that very moment everything was gone and we were together.
He makes me feel so special. And it was as if in those few moments, nothing else mattered. Not even my boyfriend. He knows he exists, they both know each other exist but I just can’t bare the thought of them knowing this. I could not look my boyfriend in the eyes if he knew. So I go back to my ex and I love him. I love him so much.
I take guys and I make them love me but nothing will ever be as perfect as me and my ex. We are toxic and we can never seem to stay together no matter what goes down but we always come running back to one another because it is how we make up.
We didn’t have sex, I wouldn’t go that far. But I would go as far as to visit him where he lives now, I can’t wait. I want to see him so bad but I can’t tell anyone about this because if my boyfriend found out he would flip. No one can know, its a secret trip.

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