Is vulnerability/transparency my kryptonite ????

Ahhhhhh, a picture of us together. She could never go far enough away to erase herself from my mind. Oooops, once again my honesty makes me vulnerable for added hurt. She knows that life without her is the ultimate torture. I have always been honest. I am confident that the popular concensus is that the more honest that you are….. the more that you expose yourself. I have always said things like “girl you are my everything” and “you are the most beautiful thing to me”. I wish that I could change myself. I want to become more calloused with less empathy. As I watch all of the important things in my life be reduced to mere ashes I regret being less of an emotional pushover. At some point I should have made myself more confident and less influenced by my surroundings.Those are the winners. For instance….. I have never been on the good side of “leaving”. I end up being a puddle of goo only desiring to find that neutral ground. I do not care about the damage to my testosterone. I will lay myself down and take the blame. I will not yell, batter or speak ill of my bride. I do know that we all have less than desirable traits within us. I had this convo the other day. Yes, a person can move on and leave their baggage at the door… however whoever they meet in the future will eventually expose something that is not attractive. It might be different than the last partner…. but there will be something that you will have to look past if you want a healthy relationship. That is why I choose to look past my hurts and soak in the knowledge that my wife is worthy. Despite her failures and setbacks… she is whom I committed to. I vowed to honor and cherish her. Have I always honored her??? Absolutely not!!! Would I change my negative actions towards her if I could go back in the past?? Darn right I would!! It is not possible to honor your spouse every minute of your lives. However, it is possible to get down on your knees and ask them for forgiveness. I used to be a real hot head. I let anxiety rule me and guess who would be the recipient?? My beautiful innocent bride. That’s right… I would be rude to the thing that I loved most. It doesn’t make sense but we all have done it. By the time that I was earnestly working on improving… she was already living in the past with hurts. Instead of me nurturing her back to health, I was hung up on the fact that she didn’t display love to me like she once did. I know for a fact (looking back) that I could have put my feelings aside and allowed patience to run its course. It is no secret that I am not a patient person. I want to wrangle and force things. Even when she was mad I would pester and nag to try and get her to open up. I should have just sat in silence with her beauty and let her work it out. Her quietness was brutal. I couldn’t handle her thinking ill of me. It was the ultimate punishment. It is what it is. This is where most people reach the point that having to display honest forgiveness just isn’t worth it. They assume that it is easier to hold onto things and move on at any cost. That, my friend, has been the hardest thing for me to accept. That when someone is done with a dirty dish rag they just open the drawer and pull out a new one. They only difference is that people usually do not display this attitude with their children… only their spouses. They pick and choose who to offer unconditional love towards. It could be a family member, church member, school mate etc. It varies with each individual. I want to show unconditional love towards all of Gods children. It does not exactly come natural for me. It is hard at times. But when I think of the love that Christ showed for humanity, the least that I can do is not hold things against others. I do not have it perfected however I am making progress. God bless.

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