Leaving Basic

While in basic training you never really had time to do anything not even look at yourself in the mirror. We were on our last week and everyone was excited they were going off to the next phase. I sat in the corner; three weeks before the only person I talked to got sent home because they found out she had a heart defect. We were suppose to go to Fort Lee together but now I didn’t know what was going to happen next.
All of us went to get our hair done and get sized for our dressed green. I decided to get a perm to have straight hair for the pictures we were going to take; not that much was going to help, my face was covered with acne scares from me scratching in the middle of the night. We all had to wait our turn and it took forever. I waited for someone to leave with me even though I didn’t walk with them just so that I wasn’t the only one. We walked past a big green field and I remembered a couple days before when we were in that same field with a knife attached to our weapon saying the same phrase over and over. The Sargent’s would yell out “What makes the green grass grow?” and we would reply “Blood Blood makes the grass grow Drill Sargent! and we would turn and drop to the ground and do push ups and other variety of things. I was afraid I would fall on the knife at the top of my weapon and later would have dreams that I actually did and was somehow still alive; like it missed my brain. My eyes filled up with tears like it often did. At that moment I started doubting what I was doing and started to fear for my life. Could I really kill someone? Would I just lie on the ground and take whatever happens? I was trained and put up against man and women twice my size and taught ways to defend myself. But would I really do it? Why am I so weak and let people push over me. I didn’t have the best child hood but am I just going to keep blaming others for my mistakes? Cant I do anything on my own?
That walk back to our barracks changed me. I decided I needed to change. But how?

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