I realized with some comments yesterday, that All I have done so far is complain about my future mother in law, the Devil Woman. But there is so much more going on in my life than that. The fact is I spent so much time yesterday in turmoil worrying about something I don’t even know is 100% a thing yet, that I made myself sick with worry and fear. And I just can’t keep doing that to myself. My body is a very fragile system. It doesn’t take much to leave me sick or in pain. So in an effort to keep myself calmer and to bring a little more light and full picture to my story, I’ve decided to talk about the two things in my life that make me the happiest, and what I fight for every day. My fiancee and my dog.
I met my fiancee about 16 years ago. In my old journal, he was called The Smoker. It makes him sound like an evil villian, so we’ll call him Smokey here. Smokey and I met working together way back when video stores existed. He put videos away, and I worked behind the counter. It was his first job and eventually, I became the person that oversaw him. At the time I was dating someone he was good friends with. Before I knew it he was in my social circle and we were becoming fast friends. Over the next 2 years we worked together and he became one of my closest friends. Then he became my roommate. Strangers used to come up to us all the time and say what a wonderful couple we were, that we were perfect for each other. I’d always say oh no, we’re like best friends, not a couple. I’ll never forget some old man laughing at me and saying, if he’s your best friend, then he’s the perfect person for you to be with. Stop being blind to it girl. But it just wasn’t our time yet. At least for me, it wasn’t. Smokey had other ideas.
One night after a few drinks, Smokey told me he loved me. That he wanted to be with me. I wasn’t ready for it. I freaked out. There was a 7 year age difference between us, and I just didn’t see him as mature enough to be boyfriend material.
Eventually, my relationship with Smokey’s friend fell apart in a very very big way. The night we broke up I had to call the police on him. Things escalated fast. Smokey was the one that picked me up and stayed with me. He got me through a lot of that. A sexual relationship started out of all of that. But I still wasn’t ready to be with him as a boyfriend.
At some point, I gave in, and we got together. We had some false starts, we tried to get together and he was too afraid to tell his friends and family we were a couple. So I left him and moved on. But we still stayed friends. Somehow it was like we were able to put the relationship aside and go back to our core friendship. I can’t explain how that even worked. But it did.
Then I was diagnosed with stage 3 endometrial Cancer. It had spread to 3 places in my body. My best friend Smokey dropped everything and was by my side. Every doctor visit, every treatment, every surgery. He got other doctors involved, he talked to my family to keep them informed during every procedure. He had a very hard time with it. He started abusing pain killers and alcohol. He started dating this drug dealer girl ( which I had encouraged, because I thought I was dying. I just wanted him to be happy.) I could tell he was falling apart. But he still showed up every day. Nothing was more important than being with me during that time. And he made sure he was there no matter what. It was hard not to fall in love with someone so devoted to you. It was like I had never taken him seriously until those moments. He was strong and more mature than any man I’d known. My hang ups started to disappear. That’s when it all started happening.
Once I got through all of the pain, chemo, radiation and the lingering pain of recovery, the dust began to settle. We were both still there. Finally, we were ready for each other. We still fight it out sometimes. But for the most part, we remain together. I think because the core of our relationship is still a deep friendship. We get each other. And we love each other. We support each other. Even while all this job and mother business is happening, he’s still here supporting me. We have been through it all, Hell and back again over 16 years. I do want to marry him. I just don’t want to marry his family…
So this brings me to my other bestie. About a year and a half ago, Smokey and I bought a house. A bit of a fixer upper, but a real beauty built in 1919. Once we settled in, we realized we needed the pitter patter of little paws. I didn’t want a dog. It was going to be more work I just didn’t want. We stopped at an adoption event while I was killing time waiting to get my hair done. And from across the parking lot, I saw the most beautiful red dog. She was the only one not barking and rioting in her cage. She looked at me and I just went omg, I love her! I literally blocked her cage so no one would look at her and try and adopt her. I just saw her and something clicked. That’s my dog! I walked her around the building. We got her history from the adoption group, and I signed off on everything immediately. MV is from the southern states. She came from an abusive home and had spent 3 years in a cage waiting to be adopted. I was the first person she wasn’t afraid of. She was the first dog I wasn’t afraid of. She had the biggest saddest brown eyes (much like my Smokey!) We bonded instantly. She is literally my best friend. When I am sad she lay on top of me, lol! And won’t get up until I am calmer. She is the sweetest thing. Loving her has opened me up to so much more. I am so grateful this little red fuzzy pups entered into our life. She makes us a family. And is kind of a replacement for the kids we can’t have.
These are the things I am going to think about and be grateful for today. We will always have problems. The fact is I can’t do anything about my current issues until Devil Woman comes back and tells me there is a problem. All I can do is keep going and try my best to not worry myself into another frenzy. At best, I have love.