Tues 12th

Its the run up for Christmas now and I’ve been for the most part very festive. My flat and I had our tree set up about mid November, but we didn’t decorate it till the start of December. 

I’ve already opened my Christmas present from my mum (I knew what it was so it’s fine) and I’ve only got one more person to shop for – which is pretty good. 

Although I’m feeling pretty good at the moment, I am however worried about staying at my partner’s for the holidays. I get on well with his family however I’m almost certain it will be very stressful. 

Not only have I been unsuccessful in getting a job over the holidays (which has left me with £8.73 in my account) but my partner will be working for the most of it. Although I have plenty of course work and essays to be writing for the hand-in in Jan; my partner (who’s on the same course) has barley done anything. 

It’s likely that if he doesn’t hit the “learning outcome” marks, he will fail this module. I don’t know what the consequences will be if this happens but it will obviously be bad.

So not only will he be stressed about the lack of work he’s produced (because he is aware of how behind he is) but his family will probably find out and put alot of pressure on him. I just feel like I’m going to be caught between all of this and it’s gonna be a bit shit. 

It’s also coming up to the “2nd year anniversary” of my attempting to “commit”. I am in a much better place than I was back then however I am still having issues which I’m trying to sort out to the best of my ability. 

Naturally, some days will be better than others but I have this very unrealistic image, that this Christmas will be the most magical. When I full well know that it’s not gonna be like that at all. It’s most likely to be very mundane. I blame my perfectionism and high standers which were caused by Instagram. 

Addiction wouldn’t be the right word but I have this slight obsession with the blog/ inspo accounts on Instagram where everything is just perfect. 

A particular account I follow is of a couple who live in Arizona. They seem to just have the most perfect life and relationship and house and dog and diet and everything which just kinda makes me both feel like shit but motivates me to get to the point where I have all those things too. 

I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing and most likely depends on your mindset. 

Because of this I have a quite extensive mental wish list with things that I’m kinda like “ehhh, it’s kinda impossible to get so much money as just the next average person, so it’s kinda impossible to have these dreams”. I know it sounds really negative but I feel like I’m just being realistic. At the end of the day I am just an average person and the likelihood of me getting that much money (which- let’s be honest here- does make the world go round) is kinda low. Especially as a free-lance illustrator. 

There is something at the back of my mind which wants to make an appearance on this journal but I’m not sure what it is I want to say, never mind how to communicate it effectively. 

Its just floating there at the back, some big message that I want to share with the world however small this first entry is but for some reason I can’t. 

I feel like it’s all a bit pretentious and stupid. I don’t want to come across like I’m trying to be mysterious and cool, I’m righting a fucking blog after all but it’s just an afterthought before I go to sleep. 

Edit: I wanted to review the entry before I published it but I didn’t know how it worked so I published it by accident. 

I read over I and I realised the font was gross, I sounded like a massive wanker and the entry ended really abruptly. 

I’ll probably stick with this font from now on and try and make the entries sound more like how I would normal right, than some sad attempt at trying to sound all professional. 

I know a girl who does that in her blogs and it really annoys me. She studies midwifery not english lang/ mit ffs. 

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