So, today I picked up a couple Christmas presents for my 2 youngest and dropped them off at my parents. I guess that we are going to have a little Christmas celebration there. I’m already having anxiety about waking up Christmas morning alone. It’s not a secret that I will be emotionally obliterated. I sometimes wonder how my life would be if I would have been a little more emotionally detached from my family. Almost like a a self sustaining defense mechanism. What if I would have kept myself at a safe distance…… not as emotionally dependent. I see it all of the time. People who can walk away from children and/or spouses with what seems like no remorse. To talk to them or see them out in public they seem mighty fine. Peachy keen to be exact. I just don’t get it. Was I born this way?? Is this how God wanted me?? Or, have I made myself this way??? Is the desire for my family unnatural??? Or, is it just unpopular during this time in our society?? I never want to puff myself up……… however….. can I be real??? Any female that has heard me cry over my ex have all had the same exact response. They would say things like “I have never seen a man chase after his wife like you”. Or my fave “I would love nothing more than for my ex to chase after me but instead he acts like he don’t care”. This is the exact reason why I find no comfort on this planet. Me, myself, Shawn Sawyer, would do any sort of self discipline to keep my family. However…… a man who wouldn’t do a 10th of what I would do will probably end up with my family in the end. You know…. just because it is something new to her. “New” is all that matters to some. That fresh sense of being wanted and respected. That 2-way feeling of desire and commitment. Puke. I’ve watched some individuals bang through dozens of people trying to find that one niche when the whole time there was someone on the sidelines that would spill their blood out for them. It is disgusting. I refuse to accept it. I wont. I’ll just believe that none of it is God’s plan and that it is the ploys of satan mixed with human desire. I know for a fact that Satan’s greatest accomplishment is to divide the family. When the family is divided it is like watching something on the “Animal Planet”. If predators can cause a ruckus and get the family divided…. then they have won. The only strength that the prey had was in their numbers and closeness. Once the predator gets them isolated…… the individual prey will surely be destroyed. Wheew… scary stuff. And to think that in the natural….. or spiritual….. I have zero protection for my family. I sit idle… alone…. while they are vulnerable to other people ploys….. So, all of this begs the question concerning my quest for my family at any cost to my pride. Am I noble among the noblest??? Or the main fool among the foolish?? I must be one or the other. I mean…… if there is a 1% chance that I could get my family back and change history.. forever…. then that is what I want to pursue. I do not want to be part of the crowd who gives up when it is not ideal. I want to make history!! I want to be a history changer!!! I want my children to be products of God fearing decisions. Goodnight world!!