confusion at best

My life has not always been the easiest. I mean, who life is? I struggle trying to be the perfect friend, perfect daughter, perfect girlfriend, perfect sister, perfect everything. It’s hard, I have this pressure to not be like my sisters, to learn from their mistakes. Well that is easier said than done. I wish I can go back to school without worrying about money, cause right now I have no money and my grandmother tells me I am going to end up like my sisters… But I have goals and I have dreams. I doubt those dream will come true but who knows. Anyways, I also struggle with emotional connections… I find it so hard to trust people, even my parents. I do not have a good relationship with them, they just dont understand me but I do sorta love them. Our relationship is so bad that my mom is keeping, me not being a virgin, a secret from my dad as long as I do what she says. Kinda like a bribe, she clams it is not and that it is so my dad does not flip out but now I got this added pressure that at any minute she is gonna tell my dad. And my dad? our relationship is beyond rocky, with the abuse that myself and family experience with him, it is no wonder why im afraid. Even though I should not be. My dad just knows how to piss me off and other times knows how to make me forget the past of the trauma. I have seen my parent beat each other, I have seen my dad beat my sister (who was his step daughter) and I have experienced it myself. I also have a secret from my past but I can not say because then I will be blamed for it. And on top of it all I am a picky eater and I am skinny. I wont eat what I am supposed to be eating at this age, I pretend I am social by talking to everyone but in the inside when I am talking to them I just wanna hide and never be seen again and I panic on the inside and if someone yells at me I instantly cry. I have all this pain and mixed emotions about my life I do not know how to handle it anymore. I guess it should be easier to talk about my life in different Journal entries so that is what I am gonna do. Each entry will be to everyone who knows me and what I feel for them. Therefore, everything is being laid out on the table but no one I know will know it. Maybe just maybe, me doing this I will feel better….

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