Well since having my youngest I’ve found it more difficult to meet men. Even with my two older sons I lost a lot of weight dramatically and this is what I considered the height of my dating life. I could walk anyway or go out anywhere and always attract attention. Even when I wasn’t looking my best men flocked to me. I had my pick! I rarely chose right but at least I had options right?
Since the birth of my little slugger the weight this time around doesn’t seem to want to leave. So now instead of just being a cute girl, I fall into the cute chubby girl catergory. I enjoy the pounds in the breast and butt areas but the mid section is less enjoyable. I guess men feel the same way.
The constant attention has waivered. And guys who used to fawn all over me don’t notice me anymore. I won’t lie I’ve let myself go as well. I will admit I let myself go as well. I used to do my hair and makeup every time I left the house. But now that I’m working and raising 3 boys I’m much too tired to maintain that everyday.
I do doll up for nights out on the town or dates (when I can get them). But through the week I focus on making sure I get the kids to school and get myself to work. You see I told previously I lived off of welfare and didn’t work. Well after my third son I wanted to break that cycle of laziness so I work as hard as I can not to fall back into that negative pattern! Doing hair and makeup and choosing cute clothes to me is a distraction. When I first got myself on track I actually lost a really good job due to constant tardiness! After that I decided to focus not only on finding good employment but MAINTAINING IT!
But I digress! Back to my point. You see I’ve been trying to get back in the dating field while also seeking valuable partners as well. Something I didn’t focus strongly on in the past. I’ve been told everything about finding a good man from tricking him to how to properly pleasing him to make him stay. My mom however, gave me the best advice. She said BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO FIND! Be successful to attract successful people. Be a hardworking woman to attract a hardworking man. Be kind to have a man be kind to you!
So I’m trying new avenues of dating and using that advice to do it right! I’ve tried online dating since I was a teen so I’m having no trouble with trying it now. Just trouble meeting people. There’s a ton of guys who don’t make it out of the messages phase. Then there are the guys who I may give my number to but they just want to text forever or invite me to their homes prompting me to block them.
Its like everyone is online dating but no one wants to actually date! No one wants to go out for dinner or drinks and have a decent conversation! These men think everything is supposed to come easy just because you meet online. But then again, I guess I’m at fault too. I want a guy to take me out and woo me so bad that sometimes I rush through the “get to know you” phase and that’s probably misleading.
I’m just so lonely! Smh! How does a woman get used to never being adored, never being touched, never being kissed and never being SEEN! I’m a mother. I love my children. But I spend so much time with this empty feeling wondering why I can’t at least find someone to spend time with on a regular basis. I have learned not to expect wedding bells from every man but can I at least get a regular drinking buddy?!!
During my online dating I’ve met 2 guys who made it from my virtual world to my real one. One was an over bearing self hating Muslim who flaunted his vast education on the website but in reality lived with a friend on a twin mattress and claimed he kept quitting but I suspect kept losing jobs. As you can tell we didn’t work out. The other was a cool laid back professional who kind of stumbled into his career much like I did and had recently moved 20 minutes away from me. I like him.
I should start with the whole truth about my online dating life. I tell a few lies! The first is that I live in an area outside of my own. I live in an urban metropolis and all the surrounding suburbs seems to fear and despise constantly. So I lie and say I’m from one of those surrounding suburbs to alleviate any stigmas. I mean, even though I have done a lot of stereotypical things I still don’t fit into the stereotypical box. I listen to NPR on my daily commute. One of my favorite tv shows is friends. I love rom coms. And my first crush was Zach Morris! So sometimes it’s easier for me to relate to men who get my references and jokes and can talk about world events. This is not always possible in my neighborhood.
The second lie is by ommitance. I don’t tell people online I have children. This is a bit more innocent than it sounds. I’m not trying to hide my sons or trick a man into marrying me the spring a ready made family on him! I just decided I want to date without strings and without pressure for a while. I feel telling men upfront about my boys puts the notion in their heads that I’m automatically looking for a new dad for them! Really I just want someone to spend grown up time with outside of this house and work. And I’m damn tired of spending that time with my cousins! Don’t get me wrong I love those girls but it’s something saddening about hanging out with women who are going home to someone while you’re going home alone. It starts out fun enough but as the night goes on and the drinks kick in and you start to feel like you want something warm next to you the thought occurs that yet again you’re going home to an empty bed and they’re probably texting their husbands sexy messages getting them riled up for their arrival.
Its especially hard when I’ve spent hours getting dressed and doing my hair and makeup and feeling beautiful but for whom? Just me. No one else cares. That’s hard. I put in all that effort and no one approaches to buy me a drink or ask my name. They may look but they don’t approach. This really confuses me because 1. They used to approach and 2. They still sometimes approach my married cousins but get swiftly shut down. Like seriously dude? I know I look good tonight! Is the weight THAT off putting? Oh and did I mention I’m 5’9? Umm yeah. So I’m now on the heavier side and as tall as most men I meet or even taller in some cases. That’s one lie I don’t tell in my online profiles because I don’t want to go on a bunch of dates with dwarfs.
Oh yeah did I mention I’m the low self esteem girl with standards smh. I know it sounds like an oxymoron. But I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life scowling at my husband. I recognize my weight shortcomings but hey, I’m still cute! Lol
Returning to my point I just want someone’s to hang out and go on dates with. I don’t need a replacement father for my children. I don’t want anyone to take care of me. I just want someone to ask me how my day was and if I say not so good, offers to take me out for drinks to cheer me up.
Note: I do realize there was some in cohesive moments in this entry but I just had a some things to get off my chest. I was looking for a singles event nearby and as usual came up empty handed. The one event that did seem nice, a speed dating event at a hip restaurant I wanted to try. But the restaurant closed down last week. During my research of the even I found a goodbye letter on their Facebook wall. I got flustered wondering why I can’t find any decent dating events where I can meet nice guys to golds conversation with. Oh and by the way the guy I mentioned that I liked is drifting off. I’m initiating most of our text conversations. In the six weeks I’ve known him I can’t recall him saying my name once out loud or in texts. I’ve asked him to hang every time we’ve hung out accept our first date. Which incidentally was our only time hanging out in public. I’ve decided to take my new “strong and savvy” dating seriously and cut off someone I like who doesn’t seem to show the same enthusiasm towards me. I’ve allowed peoples to get away with too much since I’ve been fat but now fat or not, I’m going to live as though I’m a treasure to be cherished! Not tolerated!