First Post-My Life, My Struggles, My Recovery

First Post:

Hello,
Not sure who will all read this, but I’m venting and fighting my isolating tendencies. Going to share if anyone cares to see…

I’ve just turned 24, and I’ve experienced a lot in my years.

I’ve been to so many therapists I’ve lost count.. Had to start over so many times it just becomes numb to talk about my past. Almost like it’s not me, like it’s someone else. But then it gets confusing, because at times it feels so fresh and like I’m right back there.

I figure instead of having a breakdown and rehashing everything I’ve had to go through after I’ve spent so much energy pushing it away. Honestly I’m tired.

So instead of that, I’ll just post as my life happens and deal with things as they come along.

These past few days have been ok… just days passing. Not good, some bad & mostly just PISSING ME OFF.

I have some issues with mental health. Not going to list off all of the diagnoses I have, but you will find those out once you continue reading..

So one of those is rage. I get FUMING. I feel like tingles all in my body and just want to stab someone. Most of the time that is when I have to be around people.

I’m a loner. Ever since I was little, I’ve preferred to be by myself. When I’m alone, there’s no one to judge me, to make fun of me for how I pronounce words, or put me down by bullying on my looks, or ask why I’m so obnoxious. Kids are mean. But all alone, I can just be me. No one to annoy me.
I don’t have to pretend to like something because a friend wants to show me their favorite videos/pictures/stuff. I don’t give a shit.
So when I’m alone, I only do what I want to.

If I didn’t have to get money, if I didn’t have to work, or buy food or have to leave my house basically, I WOULDN’T.

Loneliness is also my worst enemy… I have depression/anxiety. I get lonely like everyone else, but I don’t have the friends to call /text in that moment because I’ve lost most of the friendships from high school.

I lock myself away. Every time I was vulnerable, people screwed me over. I’m sick of it. I hate people. Everyone is out to get me. Everyone wants something from me and are waiting for me to turn my head to rob me blind. And I don’t have anything left to give.

I feel like I’m a failure most of the time. I like to dabble in things.
Meaning…?

I love art, singing, music, movies, acting, and many other things. But I’m not GOOD at them. Most people have something they excel at and they want to do for a living and they are good enough to succeed. I’m only OK at a bunch of things. If I were to compete in any of them, I’d lose for sure.

Well I think that might be enough for today. I am  still at work, and should be getting things done. Too bad there isn’t anything TO do.

I’ll write again, maybe not everyday, but this seems like a healthy way to reach out.

It’s OK if you don’t care to read this at all.
I’m used to getting ignored.

Cheers
~BrieChic

 

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