Thoughts on a rainy night

I have been sat here for a while now looking out my window. Maybe a few hours, maybe less. Time has blended into a nothingness as the dark draws in, i have always found the darkness of winter slightly more suffocating than the rest of the year, It seems to cling to you in a way that makes you feel alone, like you are the only person enclosed in it, and for someone like me who feels a constant sense of loneliness, it can be trying. Anyway, as i sat there thinking about life my mind drifted between anything and everything, but i kept feeling the mental tug towards sadder thoughts which although i am used to still leave me with the feeling of heartache and a broken nights sleep. for full disclosure i have suffered from depression and anxiety for over a decade so these nights are a dance i know the steps to. or so i thought, tonight was different.. my usual sense of impending melancholy was overwritten by a strange yearning and wanderlust, it felt refreshing it felt like a small internal shift and one that has made me feel positive. my unconscious reactions usually fan the fires of depression til i am a husk who has to rebuild myself. But tonight i realised that i am the captain of my own soul…..and that was wonderful.

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