Im about 97% sure i have depression. There hasnt been a professional that has told me. There doesnt have to be.

I feel like there are hundreds of holes in my body. getting bigger and bigger until there is nothing left.

Or like im suffocating in my own thoughts and other peoples oppinions and loneliness.

It is so  hard to get up and just do anything. If i could lay in bed in the dark in the silence i would. No i take that back, not in silence. I want lots of noise. 

Not that anyone cares but i think i will make a feelings list every week just to see how they change or if they do change at all.

Idk my family is constantly frustrated with me because i never talk to them about anything. Im really distant and isolated. Im a sociopath. i dont like that word. Ever since i was about 11 my mom has said i was insane. Not like jokingly insane. Like actually insane…. 

There is actually a kind of insanity that is really hard too distinguish because parts of your brain will hide your insanity from you. Kinda like your brain having a mind of its own cuz those specific parts of your brain arent really listening to what you want. idk. 

I wish people could just understand me.

People dont really pay attention to me any more because i have distanced my self so far.

And ive picked up a horrible habit. Smoking….. i smoked 12 cigarettes tuesday night. gross i hate myself. i love smoking so much tho. It puts my anxiety to peace. Maybe i can kill two birds with one stone and i will die before im 25. 


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