I struggle with relations with people. I struggle with trusting so it’s really hard to open up to others. Normally, it’ll take me three months to start trusting someone since I never really had a consistent person in my life, someone that was always there, who I can always turn to. I have one friend that stands out more than my other friends. I met her in first grade but we didn’t really become good friends until 8th grade. I can tell her almost everything but sometimes I’m just too afraid to do so.
A little after are friendship started booming, I got into a relationship with at the time I didn’t know, would be my first love, we’ll call him M for now. A little about him, he wasn’t the brightest, he was in football, wrestling, and at the time track too. Before dating me, he was the “player” type but for some odd reason he wanted to “settle down” with me (it didn’t work out but we’ll save that story for another day). It took me a while to get used to him. I would flinch every time he’d touch me. I was surprised on how patient he was with me, I knew him and I would be together for a while, at the time I thought “forever”. Eventually I trusted him with, to me and probably most girls, the most valuable thing I had. It wasn’t like anything I ever imagined it would be. Later on in the relationship he started lying, leaving, cheating, breaking me. I don’t blame him much, it was hard on both because I couldn’t fully open up to him, I stayed and let him break me. I trusted him more than I trusted my friend (thank god for him because after the hell he put me through, my friend and I were closer). After I finally said enough is enough I met this boy.
I was terrified at first, so paranoid that he would be like M and crush me all over again. The first time I went to his house, I was sick to my stomach from fear. I was so nervous because he wasn’t anything like M, he was unknown, later to find out this unknown would be my “home”. My first kiss with the unknown was like nothing I ever experienced before. Butterflies. I never knew what that felt like. M and I were going through this whole “you need to move on but I don’t want you to phase”, I mean I wanted to but it was hard, M was jealous of the unknown. M thought I would always be available just in case his plans with others didn’t work out. Unknown gave me so much support, cared for me and made sure I would be okay even though he just started to get to know me. I instantly started trusting the unknown. To this day, I’m still with the unknown, I’m not married yet but I like to call him hubby. Like every relationship, hubby and I have our ups and downs, after a couple of downs (again a story for some other day), I started having trust issues again. I’m trying to control myself but sometimes I just get so insecure. Hubby always gets me to open up again in a few days but I just don’t know why I can’t help it.