“the act or process of causing so much damage to something that it no longer exists or cannot be repaired.” 
My life is made up of these acts. Acts that I wonder how or why my brain lets me do. I know right from wrong and yet, when the right is starring me straight in the face, wrong still seems right and right seems bleak. It’s like right fades into nothingness and wrong dresses up in a ‘right’ costume and prances around until I notice it. Wrong is such an attention whore. 
Another thing is,  I’m an empath. I feel all the things everyone else is feeling and I make it so blatantly obvious that people start to cling to me, but not just any people. All the people with problems that need fixing and depression issues and a obliterated self-esteem, and I feel the need to fix everyone.
I tend to lose myself a lot. I lose track of my days. My mental health, and my diet.  I lose track of my ambitions and my goals.  I, then, start to let myself go. I fall into depression and try to find countless reasons why I’m not good enough. Reasons why others lives would be more prosperous without me. 
I wish I could find happiness. I don’t understand why there is such a deep thought out definition of destruction, but not happiness. Why is learning how to destroy something so much easier than learning how to find this impossible “happiness” everyone is dying for? 
It’s so easy to tear apart every good thing in your life, but keeping it all together and keeping the pieces in place, its nearly impossible to make it. Letting all the pieces fall and just letting go of it all is so much easier, and yet the consequences could cost you your happiness. How does that make any sense? Shouldn’t happiness be the simple side of things? I guess as long as destruction exists, happiness will be just barley out of my reach, so maybe it’s destruction dressing up in a ‘happiness’ costume. 

One thought on “Destruction”

  1. Happiness is circumstantial but having joy is a choice. I know that sounds harsh and sometimes outright stupid but I’ve learned over time to wake up and choose joy. That doesn’t mean that mental illness and bad circumstances suddenly vanish, but hopelessness and self destruction seem to fade into the background when you keep perspective. Surround yourself with people who encourage and uplift you. Easier said than done I know but remember that when you feel like other people’s sadness is overtaking you. Take a breather. Find people who will bare your problems. You are only one person and you can not fix others. They can only fix themselves.

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