I miss the bliss

Today was a good day. After my sons basketball game we met my sister for supper. My kids ate like wolves… LOL Probably some of the best wings that I have had in months. We are all wing lovers. Sorry chickens!!! On the way home we got to discuss our fears and disappointments. It hurts to see little Josie get upset about other school kids. All of my kids are softies like their father. Sorry kids…. I passed my curse unto you. Having a soft heart really gets to be burdensome. I long to be a calloused hard hearted individual who is only concerned with myself. Oh well… it is what it is. BTW, I am anxious for tomorrow. Another time in the house of God with my babies. Of course it’s not the same being a split family. I can still pretend that my beautiful bride is there with us. I can imagine her standing next to me….. all dolled up as usual…. praising her Lord and savior. She really is the belle of the ball. When she walks by…… the energy that she gives off to me is not describable with words. I was thinking kinda deep today… I started to get upset with myself.. You see.. my mom always said that my wife was like the daughter that she never had. I always joked around about my mom liking my wife more than she did me. Now….. since I caused my wife to despise me, my mom has lost a “daughter”. I know that it really bothers her. It is very embarrassing to me because of all the damage that I have caused. It appears as though it is eternal damage. However…. I will not stop believing. You see, the God that I serve specializes in something….. he specializes in bringing dead things to life. Am I riding on the fence by believing in something that seems impossible?? She has made it clear that she is done with me. But I know for certain in my heart that I can be the man of her dreams. I know everything about her. I know that she likes spicy sausage sandwiches from the fair. I know that spinning carnival rides make her sick. Even though she rarely asked… I know that she enjoys the leg and foot rubs that I gave her. She claimed that she doesn’t think that I loved her as much as I always said. Someone told me a while back that the reason that I was so torn up about our deteriorating relationship was because I was in fact madly in love with her. If I didn’t love her… I wouldn’t have been hurt so much. I did some bad things in our marriage….. but was it all bad?? My children are respectful etc. I feel foolish for ever making that sweet woman cry. Should I feel foolish for believing in a miracle?? I choose to show her that I will never forsake her. The thing I need the most in life is acceptance and to never be abandoned. I will always be here for her. If this world leaves her broken and empty… I will be here. I will be the constant in her life. She could call me from a hotel and I would pick her up and treat her like royalty. I love that woman. I always will until the grass grows over me.

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