December 17, 2017

Lately I have been wanting to sign up for online therapy. School life isn’t going too well, being at home is like being at war; no one is ever happy anymore and all we do is argue and fight with each other. I care about my friends a lot but I feel like they don’t have the same feelings toward me, I would do anything for them but I don’t even get a hey when I see them. I’m sure that a large part of all my problems is me but not knowing how to fix it and make it right is hard. That’s why I want to do some type of therapy, I feel like if I’m able to talk about how I feel with people the burden won’t feel as heavy. I’m not sure how to bring it up to my parents though. They both don’t really believe in mental health problems, that it’s your choice to feel happy and/or sad. Even if I’m on anxiety medication now, I don’t I’ll be able to get off them soon, much to their disappointment.

Growing up I was always held to a very high standard, whether that be at home or in school or in sports. My older brother was never a school person or very athletic and he tends to be lazy so my parents always pressured me to be the ‘golden child’. The problem is that I’m also not very good at school or sports and I can also be lazy. Because they thought that if they didn’t raise Walker, my brother, too well they would at least get the second one right. The only reason why I was so good at these things when I was younger is that I didn’t know any different. I started reading younger, and I knew my numbers from 1-10 by the time I went into kindergarten. I was pushed from a young age to be good at school and to get ahead. Once I was about 10 I started to realize how Walker wasn’t doing too well in high school. It meant that it was my time to be this perfect child that no one really is. Because I was always so hung up on being right from a young age, now I find it hard to filter my thoughts and know when to shut up. I hear it from my mom almost everyday that I’m ignorant and stupid and that I don’t know anything so I should listen to my parents and do as they say. This argument especially comes up when I talk about post secondary school. I want to go to University of British Columbia (UBC) once I get a bachelor degree. My parents don’t understand that I don’t want to live in my small town anymore forever. I want to learn how to be an adult and do things for myself, me and my friend both want to go to UBC and she is the most mature, smart, wifey material person I know. If I can’t learn how to do it alone, I know I’ll at least have her to lean on.

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