All right so where were we, I think you can already guess by now this isn’t going to be a daily thing. I’m not so far tattered and at the end of my rope as I was during my last entry. My husband has still not found a job, I had a meltdown with him the other day after my boss at work pulled me aside because I’m not acting quite like myself. What can I say when very few things in your life are going your way you might just act a little off.
Back on track though had a meltdown and fought like crazy I’m a screaming thankfully nothing as violent as hitting or throwing things. We both went to sleep angry the big “no, no” and when we woke up he acted as though nothing had happened pretty much. He’s applied to 3 jobs from what he tells me and that is the only progress updated I’ve been granted since my last entry. Every time I’ve tried to bring it up it’s the wrong time and really why am I even asking about it, don’t I trust him. Honestly, at the end of the day no I don’t trust you because even the basic little shit he seems to fuck up or just ignore. It took about 7-8 weeks and mostly me freaking out to even apply to “3” jobs, if he even did. Every day I come home from work and he’s in the exact same spot on the couch playing video games. Here’s the thing would I mind if video games helped out with the bills not in the slightest. I’m not ignorant to the fact that some people can make money off video games and very lucratively. However, the fraction of people that applies to is very small and does not include him.
I feel like I’m stuck in the same position all the time on these issues. He has been trying to lose weight, quit smoking and find a decent job before we even consider children for more months out of the year than he’s ever succeeding at even one of those things.
Yes, just in case I forgot to mention that when we first met I never wanted kids I have a genetic disorder that has a 50% chance of being passed on the any child of mine. After what I’ve been thru as a young adult I didn’t want to pass that on. The baby bomb is a ticking though so I’ve softened to the thought. As soon as I loosened up to the idea which is something he planted in my head mind you his walls went up higher than the empire state building. He’s the one who originally wanted kids; in his words, “as many as it takes to have a boy” and, “none if we can’t have any by the time I’m 40.” He doesn’t want to be an AARP member by the time his kid is in high school which is understandable. However, as stated as soon as I’ve come on board with the idea he’s shut down. We don’t have enough money (which we don’t), he can’t find/his job at the time wasn’t good enough when we had the talk and just all around no. His response beyond just very harsh words were to take an already sexless marriage and make it even more like a chastity belt was chaffing him.
Trust me TMI but we have sex about once every 6 weeks and despite the common misconception I definitely would like it a lot more than that. Previously I was dating guys that wanted that 3-4 times a week or more and several times a night at that. Now I know that that’s not realistic or maintainable in adult life but acting like a monk when we’ve only been married a little more than 18 months (15 of which we were separated for due to my job) is ridiculous. Our first year or two together dating this wasn’t that much of an issue but then slowly but surely it became less and less. I know that tends to happen over time with couples especially married ones but every 6 weeks has now because every 2-3 months.
We went back to our hometown 2 months back for a wedding ceremony for our family. We’ve been married for a chunk of time here but at the time we were only able to do a rushed JOP ceremony and I wanted to give our families a proper wedding. Sorry 2 month it was actually 10 weeks ago. I’m not climbing the walls or anything.
Have I talked to him about these issues of course but with no real change if any at all. I’ve tried the angry approach, the accusatory, the crying/upset, the kind, the understanding, the everything I feel at this point. From honey I understand you’re going through a lot I support you and understand you need your space to relax, play video game, quit smoking at your own pace if at all, you don’t need to lose weight for anyone but yourself and the maybe talk with your doctor about having no sexual desire at all anymore. Accepting that you have no sexual desire at all anymore because you have about 30 different terrible things rolling around in you mind that don’t make you want to get it up.
Although speaking I feel on behalf of all women on this one it’s a huge mind fuck when your husband loses complete interest in you for whatever reason. The little nagging voices start, well did you gain weight, are you unattractive, is it because you didn’t do something he wanted, is there someone else, it can go on and on. On another note it’s also cruel because what are our options become a nun, cheat or get really acquainted with a lot of toys.
To recap I’m mostly on edge due to the common marital issues money, unemployed spouse, sexless marriage and no babies to put an even further strain on a cracking foundation. Maybe that last ones a good thing. All I want for Christmas is a good/cheap therapist or gift cards to Adam&Eve.