121. Date night – ruined though enlightening

Finally after forever, “her” and I had a little time for a date. Just simply dinner. 

Leave it to me to ruin it,

Before we even finished dinner I puked all over the restaurant. 

Why I thought, after puking all day, going out to eat was a good idea. 

She bared with me, and seemed to simply enjoy the time with me….

Beyond the vomiting, the other down fall of the night, I’ve realized her feelings for me run deeper then mine for her. I just don’t feel the spark she seems to. 

A part of me feels guilty, but in reality, there’s no reason to. Your not going to fall in love with or like every person you date or talk to. That’s the whole point of dating someone, BEFORE making it a relationship. To learn about the person, see how you mesh, and if it is to be something. 

I’m conflicted, because it’s not that I don’t like her, or spending time with her, we work well together….

     Maybe I don’t know her enough, 

And with my lack of wanting a relationship, I dont….really care to put that much effort into finding out if is could be something….i just don’t want anything. 

I want to be left alone, not the obligation to text, or make time for someone. I don’t want someone to pry into my life, my emotions, my “me” time. I no longer even desire sex, or simply cuddling. 

It sounds almost as if I’m retreating to my “hole” getting ready for the great escape i do every year….how ever that’s not it at all. I’m secure in being alone, learning about my self, and really organizing what I want and how to achieve it.

It’s a nice feeling, I’m not panicking if she’ll  ever come back, or if I’ll ever find a love as spectacular, I no longer beat my self up for losing her, yes my mistake ruined something amazing, but it made me love my self, deal with my emotion, learn a lot. At the end of the day, your self is what’s most important right? Had we spent for ever together, and I never had to time heal, and know not everyone is an Antoinette, love is real, I would always have that fear, the black hole within me, constantly sucking me dry. 

Finally, I’m me, standing on my own two feet. Not crunching on my partner to be…a person. 

 

Off to sleep for a few hours, then to make up clean a location….

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