Job…….. God let him keep his wife…….

Monday Funday….JK!! I had some deep thoughts today. A few thoughts that drove me to tears. I tried to drown it at Planet Fitness…. I then tried some music but that only made it worse. Tomorrow is my birthday. I got a few sweet encouraging messages today from good friends but it only sparked something deeper inside of me. My mind instantly goes back to the “good ole days”. The days when I knew that waking up the next morning I would hear a “happy birthday” from my beautiful bride and my children. I would most likely have a card and some snacks. I swear to all that is Holy…. that was living.. anything else is dying. Right now I am hearing Vince Gill have an emotional breakdown at George Jones’s funeral. Believe me…… it’s not helping the tears. Considering that I begged God to take my soul from this world… I didn’t think that I would see another birthday. I have shown over and over again that I am in fact the most misunderstood person. I can’t have my family. I can’t have my bride. Those of us who are ravaged by rejection, social injustices, hurt of other etc…….. we really take things to heart. Some people live in a fortress and are not bothered by things unless it lands directly on their doorstep. Me, however, I feel every tremor. I have often thought of something lately. I don’t want it to come off as “dark” however it is a REAL thought/emotion. More than a dozen times I have wondered….. what would hurt more… 1) to have to bury my lovely bride. To never see her beautiful face or here her voice again……. for eternity. or, 2) for her to decide that I am not worthy of seeing her face or hearing her voice. Although I can still catch a glimpse of her every now and then…… it isn’t because she wants me to. So, what would be worse?? You know….. back in the old days people were closer to one another. (there wasn’t social media). They relied on one another. And yet, deaths were more common. I can’t imagine what a husband went through back then to lose his wife and best friend. I mean, now it’s tough… but you have already lost half of them when you meet them. They are more concerned with what everyone else thinks… you will never have more than 50 percent of them. But back then….. you were each others EVERYTHING. You wouldn’t talk ill of your spouse to friends, family. If you want to invite satan to have rule and reign in your relationship?!?!? …. just start talking trash about your partner. You will have a mini TV series in an instant. I was thinking of something this morning. The other day…. one of her “Christian” friends was seated behind me at a restaurant. When she realized that I was close to her, she asked to be moved to a different location. This individual I have given to of my resources on multiple occasions. Now, keep in mind, you can fool people but you cannot fool God. Ok, moving on, I didn’t get angry. It was rather comical. The people in her circle are literally floored by my presence. Now… let’s take a look at my “circle”. It is a melting pot yet neither one of them would act in that manner. They would all welcome my wife with an open attitude. You know why?? Because… no matter what I have only built up her character. This is why you do not belittle your spouse to everyone that you know. When you are married God says that you are one FLESH!! So, when you talk to others about your spouse you are literally inviting all kinds of ugly spirits into your OWN life. Then, just as the rocks will cry out, you will have to swallow a humble pill. Whether it be in a week… 10 years… or when you stand before the great judgement seat. The high road is by far not the easiest road. I struggle daily with the battle. I want to be obedient to my wifes wishes. More than anything I need to represent Christ. It is sooooo hard. I have thoughts of revenge. But that is when you draw a line in the sand and decide what is important. Whether I ever get to feel her against me or not….. she will ALWAYS remember that I was willing to lay “me” down and protect her image. I love that lady. She stays on the front lines of my thoughts. I try hard to not assume that she would chose a lifetime of a broken family over letting go. Starting over is easier than forgiving according to the world. The right things are not always the easiest. Goodnight world and God bless

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