Monday December 18th

We still have school today and tomorrow. I’m glad to be here and have the distraction, but my belly is killing me. It hurt all day yesterday and it’s still hurting today. I could barely deal with my first period because of how bad I feel. 

My depression is really bad. I don’t know what to do about it. I have a doctor and counseling appointment set up for January. I don’t know how to be okay. I really think I have messed up my life so badly, there’s just no fixing it. I hate myself so much. I can’t take back the things I’ve done, the mistakes I’ve made, and it’s too hard to live with them. All I want in the entire world is for my husband to take me back. He won’t. I wanted my kids to ask him to give me a chance. They won’t. No one will help me. My mother is the only person who tries to help me, but there’s nothing she can do. She called me yesterday and I was crying and a disaster, so she got off the phone and said she’d call back later. She always does that when I’m at my worst. She says she will call back, but doesn’t. 

I keep trying to think of things I can do to make myself want to live. I called about the foster parent classes today. I am not in a living position right now to take kids, anyway, but I can at least do the training. I hate myself so much. I cannot possibly live like this long term. It’s too miserable. My mother always starts asking about my medicine when I’m at my worst. That’s her solution- the medicine. Well, last year my doctor had me on everything and none of it helped at all. You can drug me sky high, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am alone. That I am so lonely. 

I did the application to go back to school next semester, but I don’t really want to. I don’t want to do anything. 

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