Weight this morning: 49.4kg

Things again are going ok, honestly they are. How I feel inside is usually so different and so much worse but I look at some basic facts and I know everything is going fine. I’ve been struggling with feeling so lonely and worthless, sometimes I just feel invisible and I don’t want to go out at all, not take Harry to his groups because I can’t cope with others ‘disliking me’ but I don’t really know if they dislike me or not, I can’t see inside their heads. It’s just how I feel. I go out because I know Harry needs to go out. Thank goodness he goes to nursery two afternoons a week to be with other children who seem to really love to see him, he’s a popular boy! I’m really happy with that, I want him to love beings with others and have friends, don’t want him to be like me!!

Harry has been eating quite well actually and is growing taller! He’s coping well now without the breastfeeding but still doesn’t drink any of the cows milk I or his nursery offer him. Thankfully he eats lots of full fat cheese so hopefully that gives him a bit of calcium. Harry hasn’t been ill with a cough or cold recently, so that’s good. This time of year can be pretty bad for that sort of thing. I’m very prone to suffering horrible colds at Christmas, many times I remember Christmas Day with a heavy cold and it sucks! Harry still goes down to sleep at night in my bed every night though. He has done so for a longgggg time now.

Actually I took Harry to his Monday baby & toddler group at Ponty library and Father Christmas came again…Harry’s been lucky to get to meet Santa twice this year! Harry was a bit carried away with playing with balloons so it was only when Father Christmas held out a white chocolate reindeer shape and I called to Harry “Harry get your choccie from Santa Claus!” that he came running. Of course he had to eat the chocolate there and there but at least the group leader got a picture of Harry with Santa, even if Harry was stuffing his face with white chocolate. I was feeling pretty embarrassed about Harry’s lack of interest and his over-interest in the balloons when Santa came to see the children but I know it’s ok, lol 🙂 Harry also was given some really nice Christmas stickers from Santa too. We all did a really nice craft session too; every Monday at that group they get the children to do an arts & crafts of some kind…I know I’ve posted a picture of a bear Harry did there the first time he went to the group. This time we all did a Christmas place mat thing for eating Christmas dinner. Harry enjoys using the pritt-sticks now, he loves covering everything with glue.

I’m ready for Christmas I think, I have been doing all that. Have got a present for my mum, dad and older sister…sorted and wrapped Harry’s presents from me and my family already, that’s all done. Have wrapped the presents for my presents and sister and got them cards too. I’m not going to get a present from anyone this year (I’m not expecting anyone to, it’s honestly fine) so I thought I’d order myself of them Mystery Boxes! I follow a few people on YouTube and at the moments I’ve noticed there’s loads of videos about people ordering their own Mystery Boxes and opening them on film. So I thought I’d try it lol, so I would definitely get a surprise on Christmas Day, because you have no idea what’s in these boxes! They box has already arrived, arrived a few days ago, was pretty quick considering it came by the Royal Mail of all people.

My older sister and brother-in-law are currently in America visitng Washington and New York. I think they are in New York at the moment. I was really worried actually because as soon as they got there a few days back my mum got a crying phonecall from my sister saying Jon had been rushed to a hospital in Washington after collapsing in agony when taking their luggage to the friends house they were going to stay at in Washington. Jon was in hospital for two days and had two MRI scans. The second MRI scan showed he had slipped a disk in his back and he could only walk with a zimmer frame. My parents thought they should come back to the UK immediately but I didn’t think they would since Jon collapsed just as they’d got to Washingon! And I was right they are still there. Don’t know how on earth they are managing but those two are determined to get their holidays worth! I’m glad Jon is no longer in hospital and doesn’t need an operation, that’s the main thing! Don’t know if we’ll still be able to stay with them on December 28th after all that’s happened with Jon but we’ll see I guess.

Anyway I usually feel messed up at Christmas…it’s normal to struggle really, I can’t seem to explain too much about it either. I’m just feeling lonely and worthless and empty and like a complete failure and I feel like a terrible person and I have terrible worries about the future…but there’s no point worrying about things I haven’t even got to yet. Home life has been normal, my mum still getting her days where she just can’t seem to stand me and my dad and only has kind things to say to her friends…but she’s been slightly better lately. My dad has just been getting worse and worse these days, I can tell my mum is really frustrated and worried about it actually 🙁 But there’s nothing anyone can do…he can’t seem to change. I want him to change but he can’t. The way he can’t change worries me…what if I’m like him and that’s why I can’t seem to change either.

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