They say that alcohol lowers your inhibitions. That it takes away any walls you have hiding your secrets. Secrets. They come spilling out. The way you feel about something, or what you know comes out. Just like the transparent liquid vodka being poured so delicately yet rapidly through a speed pour.
My secret was dark, and I was extremely embarrassed. Who could ever love someone so torn, so unfortunately physically torn. I fought so hard for those years to keep that secret to myself. Every time it felt like it was coming up, I would wash it down with more alcohol and retreat to my room alone. When I was alone, I started cutting my arms until I could not feel the pain inside anymore and was so exhausted I would just pass out. I would wake the next morning, throw on a long sleeve shirt, and head to class like nothing was going on. I would smile, laugh, and goof off with my friends like every other person in our school.
Ryan, you came into my life, when that was happening.
So, what did I did do? Oh, let’s see… I was a young 20′ something millennial in a college overruled by a male population. I lashed the fuck out. I lashed out on you every time I was drunk, and I was drunk a lot. I stayed medicated as often as I could. College was a good mask for that because everyone was partying too. I was so unbalanced in those years sometimes I am surprised I was even able to get through it.
You saw so much, so many times you stuck with me late at night trying to calm me down, nursing my self-inflicted wounds.
I’m sure you thought you were doing the right thing, but to me it was more of a reason to push you away. I did not want to be dependent on your sweetness, on your love for me. I was so conflicted with trying to keep my misery from you yet being so in love with you I did not want to let you go. When I fell in love with you I fell a long way down, and it knocked me even more off balance.
I still remember every second of the night I knew we both fell in love with each other. Way before you saw any of the darker side of me. The first time either of us discovered what love was like. It was a Saturday in December. that amazing Saturday. That night will be with us forever no matter how far our paths in life lead us from each other.
We had planned a game night with our group of friends. We were that stupid couple that everyone was getting sick of because we were always all over each other. We kept sneaking off to the bathroom to make out, and our friends would come knocking on the door imploring with us to stop. But we just thought it was funny, so we ignored them and continued.
We left a little early that night for a Saturday and went back to my apartment. I was putting leftovers away in the fridge when you came over to me in my kitchen. You gently pushed my back against my counter and pressed yourself close to me. You cupped my face in your hand and stared into my eyes for what seemed like forever. You gave me a kiss then rested your forehead against mine. We stayed in that moment of admiration of each other in complete silence for an entire 45 minutes. Gently touching and kissing, but mostly just simply being. Being in each other’s close presence with appreciation. After that 45 minutes, you picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. We stayed in our beautiful silence the rest of the night as we molded into each other, evermore.
No words needed to be spoken, our wavelengths were completely in sync. You did not tell me you loved me until 2 weeks later right before our Christmas break. We kept it to ourselves for a while. Trust me as a young girl in college it was very hard not to tell my friends that you had told me you loved me. But every time we were with them for the next 3 weeks, you would either lip it to me from across the room or whisper it into my ear.
The first time I can remember irrationally lashing out on you was right after that on New Year’s Eve. You were having so much fun, being the life of the party as usual. When midnight came around, you came over to me and gave me a quick kiss, hugged me, and went right back to celebrating with everyone.
And for whatever dumb ass reason… that pissed me off. I honestly could not tell you today what my logical thinking for that fight was, because I am quite certain I did not have one. I was just angry I only had your attention for 2 seconds that night at midnight. You gave me plenty of attention day in and day out, why did I care so much about that moment? We were both having a great time until then. I loved that you wanted to be the life of the party, it was one of your characteristics I admired the most.
I got so mad at you though, and I dragged all our friends into it the rest of the night making it a big deal. You tried to reason with me, but feeling that need to retreat again, I fled. I drove home by myself and ignored you the rest of the night. I did even more than that, I broke up with you. I pushed you away so hard. After I realized what a terrible mistake I had made, you were already too mad at me and you did not forgive me until after Valentine’s day.
But that was just the start of our issues.